The Hidden Loophole
by Scath Rocco Meoi
Summary: They all thought they had moved on in their own way, but, when Iria Winner's tragical death leaves Quatre with a newborn baby to look after, the old team comes back together and memories they thought they had long buried resurface just as new feelings awaken. Future 1x4, 3xR, 2x5
1. Chapter 1

Triumphant come back? Maybe. XD I just had this idea and it wouldn't get out of my head if I did not write it down. I'm not sure I'll be continuing it... I do want to, but I've got a lot on my plate at the moment, so... Maybe in the future? If you're interested let me know and I'll try to speed up the process, just know that if I DO continue, the rating WILL go up. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually for sure. ;P

**Starting pairings: **1xR, 3x4(one sided), OCx3(onesided), 2x?, 5x?

**Future pairings: **1x4, 3xR, 2x5

**Warning: **Secondary character death and OOCness (maybe? I do try to keep everyone in character...)

_The Hidden Loophole_

CHAPTER 1

_"What did I just say?! Don't get any closer!" Quatre shouted. He could hear his heart beating fast, his arteries pumping blood into his hands. The hands that were controlling Wing Zero. He wiped out half the upper body of Trowa's mobile suit with one beam cannon shot. It was only by sheer luck that Trowa was not wiped out himself._

_"Quatre… What's going on?" Trowa's voice sounded shocked, confused and…disappointed. At that moment Quatre had not paid much mind to it. All he had wanted was to destroy the entire outer space, destroy the colonies that had deserted them and killed his father. Now, when he revived that moment, he had a different perspective._

_"Trowa, outer space has gone mad so I'll destroy it all. I must destroy all the weapons that have accumulated here. The colonies are becoming armed, right? That's why the colonies must also be destroyed!" he felt oddly calm as he tried to make his fellow gundam pilot see reason. It was a calm he had never felt before, a sense of purpose that was as scary as it was fulfilling. _

_"What's the matter, Quatre?" Trowa paused, cringing in pain. Quatre had barely noticed, but now it made him want to cry. To think he had hurt someone he cared so much about… " This isn't like you."_

_"Tell the others for me. Tell them to stay away. Otherwise…I'll kill them."_

_His monitor started beeping, announcing the arrival of a second enemy, but the beeping just would not stop. That was not right. He had had that dream countless times before and that was not how it was supposed to go…_

He opened his eyes to find himself back in his dark bedroom in the penthouse apartment he owned in L4. The dream had been interrupted before the worst part, if it had not Quatre would have woken up drenched and screaming. Turning to the bedside table he spotted his ringing saviour beside an alarm clock that read 3:12 AM. He reached for the receiver, holding it close to his ear as he answered.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Quatre? This is your sister Aminah. I'm calling about Iria… There's been an accident."

"Aminah, what happened? What about the baby?"

"The baby's alright, Quatre. It's a girl. She's a little premature, but strong and healthy. They have her in paediatric ICU for now, but she should be fine." Aminah's voice was calm and even despite the direness of the situation, but Quatre would not have expected less from his eldest sister. He was about to ask her about Iria when she beat him to it. "We'll talk more when you get here. We're at the Zayeed Winner Memorial Hospital."

"I should be there in fifteen minutes."

"I'll be waiting." Was all Aminah said before she hung up.

He jumped out of bed and rushed into the huge closet pulling on the first pair of slacks he came across and a random T-shirt. There was no need or point in worrying about appearances when one was driving to a hospital at 3 in the morning. 3 in the morning… What had his eight months pregnant sister been doing out at that hour? Aminah would not give him any explanations through the phone so he was forced to wait until he was at the hospital before getting his answers.

Quatre drove like a mad man through the – thankfully empty – streets of L4. One of the biggest advantages of living in a colony was that everything was nearby and you could get from one extreme of the colony to the other in a matter of a couple of hours depending on traffic. It took him less than the stipulated fifteen minutes to arrive at the hospital, built and directed by his own family, and make his way to the third floor where the operating rooms were located. He found Aminah sitting near the reception desk surrounded by other 3 of his sisters. They all turned to him with expecting gazes when they heard the sound of the elevator, but the expressions soon turned into relief and a bit of disappointment. Quatre could see that they were expecting news and those could either be good or bad.

Aminah stood up to greet him. They were not very intimate, but she gave him a hug anyways and he could feel the tears spilling out of his eyes as he hugged her back. No one dared break the silence. She had not told him anything yet, but the feeling of hopelessness that hung in the air spoke volumes to him. When he pulled away he could see Aminah had tears in her eyes too.

"She was going home after having dinner at my house. We insisted she should stay the night but she said she had to be at work early in the morning and she did not want to disturb us… It was a drunk driver, Quatre. He did not stop at the red light." Aminah told him with a guilty tone. "We should have made her stay."

"It's not your fault, Aminah. No one could have predicted something like this." He held her by the shoulders and stared deep into her eyes – the same colour as his own – as he reassured her. "Where is your husband?"

"He had to stay home and look after the kids…"

One of his other sisters started to weep then. "Who will look after Iria's baby if she's gone?" she asked in a constricted voice while her other sisters whispered soothing words and patted her back in an attempt to calm her.

Before he knew what was happening Quatre blurted out. "I want to keep her." Iria was the sister he was closest to and when she had decided to become a single mother she had asked him – since he was the only man left in the Winner family, excluding those that had joined by marriage – if he would agree to become some sort of male model figure in her child's life. He had said 'yes' then, he was saying 'yes' now. "I'm going to call her Khadija."

None of his sisters could say 'no' to that. Most of them already had their own families, but Iria was all Quatre had. His friends – his adoptive family – were all far away and when Iria died… His eyes filled with tears at that. It was true. He knew it in his heart. Iria's death was no longer a matter of 'if' but 'when'. Though no one had had the courage to say anything yet, they all knew. When Iria died he would be alone. In a few minutes or maybe in a few hours, he would be alone.

OxOxO

When the fateful news finally arrived it was almost six o'clock. The doctor asked them if they wanted to see her. Quatre did not. He wanted to remember Iria as he had last seen her, a couple days before, full of life with sparkling eyes and a smile on her face. Instead he headed to the paediatric ICU to see his brand new niece, Khadija, for the first time. They allowed him to see her only through the glass, she would be staying there for at least a few more hours until they had made sure her vitals were all stable. He smiled at the small pink bundle a nurse had told him was Khadija Winner, soon they would meet in person.

Standing there at the PICU, he almost lost track of time. It was 6:30 when he returned to the reception to make a phone call. He called Trowa Barton, the man he had been in love with for nearing 10 years now. Quatre had confessed his feelings to the other man in 195 AC at the end of the war, but even though they had not been reciprocated, in his heart he had been unable to let Trowa go.

_They all arrived safely at MO-2 after waiting for Heero and Wing Zero to catch up with them. Earth was safe and so were the colonies. The war was over and they felt at peace at least for the moment. Quatre could feel their five hearts beating together in a rhythm that was all their own. When he opened the hatch of his mobile suit he heard clapping. The entire crew had gathered at the mobile suit hangar to receive their heroes. He smiled, but it was short lived for soon the bloodloss from the puncture wound in his left side – a courtesy of Dorothy Catalonia – coupled with the decrease in adrenaline now that the battle was finally over_ _sent him spiralling into darkness._

_He woke up 26 hours later in a hospital bed. All his friends had been there and Duo had been happy to announce that they had put the party on hold for him. Quatre had smiled genuinely at him, but it was Trowa his eyes sought. He had looked tired, but relieved and immediately returned the blonde's smile with one of his own. Wufei had given him a nod as if saying 'you fought bravely' and Heero had told him he should have been more careful in the same detached monotone he always used. Quatre did not think he knew they shared some sort of connection and that he could feel Heero's relief just as he could see it in Trowa's face. _

_Soon, they were all gone, all but Trowa whose body seemed unwilling to move from the sterilized white couch where he sat. "Trowa?" he had called the boy softly still feeling somewhat weak. Trowa's gentle green eyes met his. "What are you going to do now that the war is over?"_

_Quatre watched as he let out a deep breath. "I don't know. Go back home to the circus, I suppose. Catherine will be waiting."_

_He looked away suddenly, feeling sad and empty. What if they never saw each other again? Never even talked? He did not want to part. "Would you consider coming with me back to L4?" Trowa blinked up at him in surprise and Quatre felt the need to explain. "You know I care a lot about you…"_

_"I care about you too. You're my friend."_

_"No, Trowa, what I mean is…" he forced himself to meet the green eyes again. The heart monitor was beeping faster and faster and the Heavyarms' pilot suddenly looked worried. "I think I love you."_

_Quatre saw Trowa's eyes widen, but he overcame the surprise soon enough, frowning somewhat sadly as if anticipating the pain he would cause them both. At the moment, Quatre had been too distracted trying to catch his breath and slow his heart to correctly interpret that look. He had held on to hope until the very last second._

_"I'm sorry. I can't. I love you as a friend, but I don't really like men that way." He must have seen the confused and heartbroken look on Quatre's face for once again he apologized._

_Quatre had shaken his head then, smiling through his tears. Trowa had made what seemed like a great effort to regain his feet and had walked over to the bed to give his friend a hug. In Trowa's arms he had cried himself to sleep._

"Hey." Trowa picked up, having recognised the caller ID.

"Hey, Trowa." He answered, letting the familiarity of the other's voice bring a weary smile to his lips. "Can you talk? Is it a bad time?"

"I can talk. What's going on?"

"Trowa, it's… It's Iria… She's…" Quatre swallowed back his tears, recomposing himself. "It was a car crash. She didn't make it."

There was silence in the other end of the line and for a moment he regretted not having activated the visual, but it was a hospital so he had to keep it down. Maybe it was better this way, he did not think he would be able to hold back his tears if he were looking in his friend's eyes. "God, Quatre…" was all Trowa could come up with.

"I know." For some reason he chuckled as a few tears managed to escape from the corners of his eyes and slide down his cheeks. "You remember she was expecting a baby?"

"I think you mentioned something about artificial insemination last time we spoke…"

"She wasn't even pregnant yet? Has it really been that long since we last spoke?"

It had. Quatre remembered how things had been right after the wars… They used to trade daily e-mails and call each other at least once a week. Duo, who was the most talkative one out of the five of them, would call him practically every day, but then time had started passing and 'every day' turned into 'every week' then 'every fortnight' and 'every month' until they only called or wrote when there was something important to talk about. Wufei, who he was the least close to, was the first to lose contact, then it had been Heero. Trowa continued to write somewhat regularly and Duo continued to call, but things just were not the same anymore.

"Looks like it has."

"She had a baby, Trowa. A girl. I'll be taking care of her now."

"What about your sisters?" he sounded somewhat concerned. "Are you really going to do this on your own?"

"I want to." Quatre whispered back. He truly did want to do this. He wanted to treasure that little miracle Iria had left behind and make sure he kept his sister's memory alive somehow. Besides it would be nice to love someone who loved him back for once… "I'm not sure why I called you…" he continued after some time. Trowa's ability to respect his silence had always been something he had loved in the man. "I guess that with all that just happened I felt the need to talk to you, guys, and see you again before it is too late… How are you? And how are Heero? And Relena?"

After the wars, Trowa had returned to the circus as he had told Quatre he would and his sister Catherine had incentivized him to go back to school. He had done so and, at some point, had decided to go to college to study veterinary medicine. It did not surprise anyone, considering the quiet pilot 03 had always had a special connection with the members of other species. His salary from the circus had not been enough to pay for tuition though, so Heero or rather Relena had offered him a position as her second personal bodyguard and thus he had moved to Earth where he had been sharing an apartment with Heero ever since.

"We are all fine." He said simply not wanting to discuss personal matters over the phone. "Would you like us to come over?"

"Maybe in a couple of weeks when I have taken Khadija home and gotten her settled. Could you invite Duo and Wufei too? I think I should be able to make room for all of you in my penthouse… Then maybe you could stay for a week, perhaps longer…" Quatre had to fight back tears again. Suddenly, it felt like all the loneliness of the last few years had caught up with him. Without noticing he had built this huge snowball and now it was threatening to bring him down with it.

"I'll see what I can do." Trowa's determined voice cut through his thoughts.

"Thank you, Trowa. I have to go now. I should be with my sisters…"

"Take care."

"You too."

Quatre took a deep breath, strengthening himself for the ordeal that was about to come, and made his way back to his sisters.

OxOxO

Trowa reached for the knob, but froze. Once he would have walked into Heero's bedroom without as much as a second thought, but after the former pilot 01 and Relena had gotten together they rarely slept apart. He could still remember catching the two of them in a not only compromising, but extremely embarrassing position on a certain Sunday morning… It was a mistake he was not willing to make again. So he stopped and knocked.

"Come in." Relena's cheerful tone had barely reached him before he was pushing the door open. "We're almost done." She told him with a smile as she sat on the edge of the bed putting her earrings on.

They would be catching a shuttle to L4 in exactly two hours and a half, but the recommendation was that they should arrive at the spaceport at least 2 hours earlier to be able to check in with tranquillity and, even though they did not have a lot to check in since they were scheduled to stay at Quatre's only for one week, none of them liked to be late. It was a trait the three of them shared.

"Is there time for breakfast?" Relena wondered turning to Heero who was zipping and locking their bags.

"There'll be plenty of time for us to eat something at the spaceport." He retorted picking up the luggage and heading for the door. Trowa took one of the bags from him, his own already in the trunk of Heero's car. Relena followed, closing and locking the door behind them as they made it to the elevator.

"Will Duo and Wufei be coming as well?" she questioned as the door slid shut.

"Duo said he wouldn't miss it for the world." Trowa answered knowing their braided friend's words to be true. Duo and Quatre had always been close maybe because they were the more talkative ones in their little group or perhaps the less fucked up ones? No, that sounded unfair somehow… They had all had their issues settling in after the wars, but Heero, Wufei and himself had also managed to find their place. Whether it was the right place or not was a moot point. "Chang was not so sure… He could not give me any details, but I assume he is working on a case."

"He must be." Heero agreed just as the doors slid open. "He's the best Une's got."

They fit the bags in the trunk, Tetris style, as Relena climbed into the back leaving the passenger seat for Trowa. He was not sure how he should feel about it… Ever since she had started coming over regularly, she had been doing her best so he would not feel like the proverbial third wheel. Trowa had become friends with her more easily than expected after starting to work for her, but that did not make him feel less out of place when Heero and Relena were around at the same time. It was not that he resented their relationship or the supposed intrusion in his personal space – the apartment was Heero's anyways – but seeing the two of them together made him yearn for something he had never had.

He had met a girl in college – Kate was her name – and they had quickly become friends. She was beautiful inside and out and he was pretty sure she wasn't completely blind as to his growing feelings for her, still she did not seem at all interested in being more than friends. From time to time though, when it seemed he was finally about to move on, she did something like taking his hand in hers or giving him an unexpected hug and reawakened his hopes. The hand holding incident had been a particularly confusing one he still replayed in his head to that very day… It made him feel like she reciprocated and part of him was convinced her religious conservative parents were the only reason they were not together. Heero had told him clearly that Kate was using him, taking advantage of his shy and often insecure personality, but that hopeful part of Trowa refused to believe it even though the other more logical part of him knew it to be true. Watching Heero and Relena together made him think of Kate, of things he wanted badly but could never have.

"I don't know why Quatre did not invite us himself…" Relena wondered worriedly as they pulled out of the garage.

"He was busy arranging his sister's funeral and settling the baby in." Heero offered.

"I still can't believe he's doing this…" Trowa commented with a frown. He had always felt awkward around children and the last thing he could imagine himself doing was raising one on his own.

"I think I understand why he's doing it…" Relena was staring absent-mindedly out the window.

"I think he feels lonely." Heero shrugged when two pairs of eyes turned to him. "Why else would he have invited all of us at once and to stay for so long?"

"He _did _sound lonely over the phone." Trowa felt the need to agree.

"I guess we all just assumed he would move on well after the wars… Maybe he didn't after all." Relena sounded guilty and Trowa knew they were thinking pretty much the same thing. It did not matter that they had each followed their own path, they should not have allowed themselves to get so caught up in their own lives to neglect contacting their old friends. "Sometimes I wonder if we have moved on ourselves or if we are still stuck trying to find a loophole." She continued in a whisper, blue-green eyes lost in the passing scenery.

Trowa found himself staring at her out of the corner of his eye. If she were right that would explain why he had dropped out of college unable to fit in and lead on an ordinary and careless life. Was that even an option for the likes of them? He wondered what Heero's opinion was… The Wing pilot had always seemed to be the most unlikely to cope with the ending of the wars and yet there he was working and dating a woman he loved and who loved him back or so Trowa assumed. Heero had outdone himself, apparently, and surpassed all of them in their searches for a place to belong. But was that really it or did he feel like Trowa? He wasn't much more expressive those days than he had been during the wars. With Heero it always felt like you were in the middle of an endless mission, one he simply had to see accomplished no matter how long it took. Maybe that was how he coped, seeing life as a mission rather than a big confusing mess of options and feelings and choices which was the way Trowa saw it. Sometimes he wished for the purpose and confidence he had had during the war, for when it came to everyday life things he was simply too out of his depth.

They arrived at the spaceport in 25 minutes without breaking any traffic laws and it took only 15 minutes to check all of their luggage in. Relena had gotten them 1st class tickets which obviously helped speed up the process as well. Soon they found themselves sitting at a small round table at one of the many expensive cafés waiting for the boarding call. An elderly lady recognised the former queen of the world and approached to shake hands and congratulate her. Relena was always charming and polite, she even took a picture with the woman. She did not mind the attention, in fact she did not get half as much attention as people thought she did. Very few actually recognised her and those who eventually did often thought it was only a lookalike. There was no way someone as important as Queen Relena Peacecraft would be dressed in a simple summer dress having coffee at some random café with two ordinary looking young men. They were not even dressed as bodyguards.

Though Relena had pursued a political career after the wars she did not seem very eager to ascend in it. She had been elected Foreign Minister after working as Vice to fill in for her father, but when they had proposed she run for president of the ESUN she had simply turned them down. It had puzzled Trowa at the time, in fact it still did, but there were a lot of things about her that puzzled him so he did not linger on it.

"Is everything alright?" she laid a gentle hand on his shoulder as she regained her seat. "You've been thoughtful lately."

He frowned slightly and turned to Heero who seemed to watching for his reaction. "How did you…?"

"You're our friend, Trowa. You've been around us for 6 years now."

"Yes, I guess I have." He allowed himself a small half-hearted smile.

"Do you regret dropping out of college?" Heero inquired laying down his cup. It clinked against the saucer.

Trowa gave the question some serious thought, then shook his head. "No. Not really. I guess I'm just wondering how to tell everyone about it, especially Catherine. I should probably pay her a visit while I'm in space."

Relena took the hand he had wrapped around his cup. "We'll be there for you if you need us." She reassured him, seriously. Heero agreed with a nod.

"Thanks." Was all he could say.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, people. I was really surprised with the feedback and very very happy that you are hoping onto this train with me. :P I hope not to disappoint. These first few chapters may seem a little boring until the mood is set, but we have to go through them.

**Warning: **Use of licit drugs.

CHAPTER 2

Quatre had not been able to pick up his friends at the spaceport – he was still far too worried about Khadija to leave her alone with a nanny even if said nanny happened to be one of his own sisters – but he had come down to the garage to wait for them when Trowa had called saying they were close. He carried the portable piece of his electronic babysitter in one hand and the remote to the garage door in the other. Maybe he should have felt ridiculous standing there in his pyjamas and a bathrobe, but he was far too anxious to see his friends to really care.

A honk let him know of their arrival and he opened the doors, watching with a smile as Heero parked the rented car beside his own newly acquired SUV. One of the advantages of owning a penthouse was that he had parking spots to spare. The first one to climb out of the car was Relena, she had grown into a beautiful woman those last 9 years, he could not help but notice. She strolled up to him, dark blonde hair waving behind her, and enveloped him in a hug. He hugged her back tightly.

"Oh, my God, Quatre… It is so good to see you." Relena smiled as they pulled away.

"In person you mean." He chuckled returning the smile whole heartedly. She was one of the few people he had kept in close contact with, they spoke at least once a week if not for business reasons then for personal ones and they had built up a solid friendship. Quatre mused at the fact that he had chosen to call Trowa instead of her about his sister's death and he realised that could not be a good sign.

When Trowa walked up to them it was with a small weary smile. He had grown slightly taller, but probably still weighed the exact same thing he had weighted at 15. He looked unhealthy, not alarmingly so, but still… Quatre had to stop himself from crying when he hugged his friend and felt the protruding bones under his hands. Then, just as he pulled away from Trowa, his eyes met Heero's and it seemed that invisible bond they shared during the war burst back to life. All Quatre felt from him was emptiness though, a never ending nothingness that merged with his own feelings. He quickly turned back to Trowa as Heero – purposefully or not – skipped greetings to go open the trunk and pull out their luggage.

"I missed you." He said simply and his smile was genuine despite the worry he felt for his friends. He had expected to find them all happy and well settled, but they seemed to be just as lost as he felt if not more. Now that Khadija had come into his life, he had reencountered some of his long lost hope and felt he might start looking forward to something after all.

"I missed you too, but I should go help Heero with our bags." Trowa's smile brightened somewhat before he turned away and Quatre was flooded with relief. There was still a heart and a soul there somewhere.

"I'll hold the elevator for you." He told them pulling Relena along towards the metal doors. It was Saturday morning so they should not have any difficulty monopolising the thing.

"So how are you? How's Khadija?"

"Oh, I… I'm coping." He managed a smile at her. "Khadija is doing better than expected. It's tiring to look after so small a child though…"

"I can imagine." Relena grew sombre suddenly. "What about your sister?"

"We sent her body to Earth to be buried according to custom. Though she wasn't the most religious of people… Neither am I, I guess."

"Religion holds us back." Heero spoke for the first time as he walked past them and into the elevator. Trowa followed, giving them a small smile.

"Yes, in a way, I suppose it does." Quatre agreed as the doors closed and they started going up.

"The problem is not religion itself. People need to believe and have faith in something, but we cannot stick radically to books that were written millennia ago when we already know better." The doors slid open just as Trowa finished speaking.

"I agree with Trowa." Relena smiled and patted the aforementioned man on the shoulder before stepping out and straight into the hall.

The doors to the living room were wide open and Quatre led them through without pausing. There would be enough time for his friends to get acquainted with his place later or so he hoped. He had wanted them to stay for at least two weeks, but he knew Relena was busy and Heero and Trowa were her bodyguards so he did not really expected them to stay very long. Still, he had refrained from asking when they would be leaving… He was not sure he wanted to know.

"The bedrooms are that way…" he pointed towards a corridor at the other side of the room. "Mine is the second door on the right and Khadija's is the first. The two doors on the left are the guest rooms. Heero and Relena, you can chose one and Trowa will take the other. I hope you won't mind sharing with Duo or Wufei… You can take your pick when they get here. Or would you rather leave the room for the two of them? I have a sofabed in the TV room upstairs."

"I guess I'll take the TV room and the sofabed." He said promptly, but Quatre had already expected it. Trowa always chose to be alone if given the choice.

"You may take your bag upstairs then. It's an open concept so the stairs lead straight into the TV room, no worries about getting lost." He chuckled to alleviate some of the awkwardness that seemed to be threatening to settle. "I need to check on Khadija and put on some decent clothes… Please, make yourselves at home.

OxOxO

"This is nice." Relena said as she sat on the queen sized bed and ran a carefully manicured hand over the wheat coloured comforter.

"Hn." Heero agreed placing her bag beside her on the mattress before abandoning his own on the floor by the nightstand. He walked up to a second door and opened it to reveal an adjacent bathroom and walk-in closet. Relena was standing behind him suddenly, one arm around his waist as she looked inside.

"I wished we could stay longer." She commented with an undertone of sadness. He did not know what to say to that so he said nothing. "I'm going after Quatre. I want to meet Khadija."

Heero nodded, returning her smile and watched her walk out of the room. He followed suit, but instead of heading to the nursery, he returned to the living room and took the stairs up to the TV room. Trowa was sitting on the grey leathered sofabed, staring straight ahead at the flat screen television. It was turned off, but he did not seem to care. Whatever he was actually seeing was inside his head.

"I need a cigarette." He told Heero without looking at him. He was the only one who knew Trowa smoked, he had started at some point after entering university. It was not a daily habit, but he resorted to it when he was feeling stressed. Heero found the mechanics of the act somewhat soothing though nicotine clearly did not affect him the same way it did Trowa… Whatever thrill there was to it, he just could not feel it.

"There's a terrace downstairs." He offered simply though the fact that Trowa had not noticed it worried him somehow. They had become like brothers rather than friends and Heero felt he had an obligation to look after the other man as he had done for him during the war.

"Where's Relena?" Trowa asked as he stood up. He always inquired about Relena when she wasn't around, it was like he missed her… Heero did not understand why that would be. It was not like they were very close.

"She wanted to see the baby."

"What is it with women and babies anyways?"

The terrace was large but simple. Quatre could have easily fit a Jacuzzi in there, but there were only a couple lounge chairs with a small short table between them and the white metal railing. Trowa leaned over the railing as he lit the cigarette, staring at L4 below them. It felt weird being in a colony after so long. Heero missed the blue of the sky and the white of the clouds, the metallic man-made ceiling could never compare to it. He knew Trowa must be feeling the same way. They had both fallen in love with Earth, it was like the mother they had never had and, in some ways, it really was… The mother of humanity and all living things.

Trowa had instilled in him an appreciation for the little things, the beauty of a blossomed tree, the falling leaves and the grass sparkling with morning dew. That ability to find joy in nature was one of the things that had made Quatre fall in love with the former Heavyarms' pilot. Heero frowned at the thought… It was not like he had been trying to emulate Trowa or somehow ingratiate himself in Quatre's eyes. He had only grown more in touch with nature since he had moved back to Earth.

"What are you going to do?" he asked, accepting the cigarette his friend had offered and lending his ears in exchange.

"I have to go and see Catherine. Tell her I dropped out of college… Face her unavoidable wrath… Then return to Earth and my job."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Yeah… Though I still wonder why I have to tell her at all…" he sighed, running a frustrated hand over his face and through his hair.

"I suppose that's what it means to have a family." Heero shrugged.

"You, guys, are much more my family than she'll ever be. Blood ties should not mean you have to be someone's family." Trowa took a final drag off the cigarette and looked around with a frown. "We do not have an ashtray."

"You should have thought of that sooner."

The glass door slid open behind them then and Quatre stood there, a smile frozen halfway up his face, as he eyed the offending death sticks between his friends' fingers with a disbelieving look in his eyes. Trowa held the gaze, looking both tired and resignated, but Heero turned away. For some reason that was not how he wanted Quatre to picture him. He watched as the sleeping streets started to fill with cars and pedestrians. It was Saturday morning, not that it made much of a difference when you were in a colony.

"I didn't know you smoked." Came the simple statement.

"Do you have an ashtray?" Trowa tried to sound casual.

"No, I don't think I do… Let me see if I can find something else you can use."

"Thanks." He said with a forced smile that disappeared with a sigh as soon as Quatre was gone. "You think he's angry?"

"No, not angry. Concerned." Heero eyed Trowa fully as he said that. He knew what it felt like… The desire to self-destruct. Though whereas he would have chosen a quick method, like jumping off a building or taking on suicide missions, Trowa chose to go slowly, to wane. Surely Quatre had noticed, there was no way he would not.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You know he'll want to."

"Yeah, I do."

Heero took what was left of Trowa's cigarette out of his hand, freeing him to go back inside and disappear before his inquisitor returned. He received a grateful smile, knowing his friend would have done the same for him had their places been reversed. That feeling comforted him somewhat as he leaned back against the railing, watching the street over his shoulder as he waited for Quatre. Both cigarettes had already burned out by the time he returned with what looked like a cheap – as cheap as anything owned by a Winner could look – Asian styled bowl, one of those that made you think of ramen.

"Where's Trowa?" he asked, sounding genuinely surprised and even a little disappointed, as Heero discarded the cigarette butts into the bowl. "He ran away from me, didn't he?" it was a rhetorical question with no real need for an answer. "Heero…" their eyes met, and Heero could actually feel his heart clench at the painful look on Quatre's face. "Will you be honest with me?"

"I will." He promised. He did not really have anything to hide, besides he knew the questions were going to be about Trowa. _He _was the one Quatre was worried about.

"Is Trowa sick?"

"Sick?"

"Yes, I…" he avoided Heero's eyes suddenly ashamed. "He reminded me of a terminal cancer patient… Just really pale and thin and…lifeless. As if he has surrendered to some unavoidable fate."

Heero frowned, he had not thought Trowa looked _that _bad, but then he _had _been seeing Trowa daily… When had been the last time Quatre had seen him? Surely the contrast between the now and then must have made an impression. "No, he's not sick. He's been fighting a depression for some time now though."

"Depression?" Quatre's voice was barely a whisper. He frowned at the floor as if the word eluded him. "You think it's still about Kate?" he raised his head then, meeting Heero's eyes.

"I won't say she did not play a part in it, but that's not all."

Still looking shocked, Quatre stepped slowly backwards until he reached one of the lounge chairs. He sat down, holding the bowl-turned-ashtray between his hands. "You think he's trying to kill himself?"

"Yes, though I am not sure if he is conscious of it. He doesn't mean to hurt anyone. He's just tired of living." For some reason he felt the need to defend Trowa. Maybe he admired his friend's courage, it had been years since he had been courageous enough to try and end his own miserable existence. There was very little purpose in living after the wars were over… He had given himself a mission, Relena was his mission, but lately he had been feeling like that would not be enough to keep him sane forever.

"Do you feel that way as well?" Quatre's tone was not accusatory, it was concerned, worried. He was always worried.

"Maybe." He answered ambiguously neither wanting to lie nor tell the truth.

Quatre sighed. "I should start making lunch…" he left the Asian bowl on the little table between the lounge chairs before he stood up. He did not say anything else as he walked back inside, but Heero knew that was only because he was thinking. Their conversation was far from over.

OxOxO

Relena could not hold back a smile as she watched Khadija's sleeping face. The chubby pink cheeks, the meagre soft baby hair and the delicate clenched fists. She sighed longingly refraining from touching the baby lest she should awake her. There was big part of her that wanted a child, wanted to get married and have a picture perfect life, but she had a job to do. People depended on her… She had never met Iria Winner and yet she admired her for pursuing a successful career and still wanting to raise a child on her own. It was a pity she had not lived to complete that challenge.

"Is she still asleep?" Quatre asked from the threshold.

"She is." Relena whispered back. "I was just on my way out."

She left the door open a crack as she joined him in the corridor. "She's so pretty, Quatre…"

"I know." He agreed with a sad smile. "During the day she's out like a log, but during the night…" he chuckled somewhat wearily. "You'll see. I hope you're not a light sleeper."

Relena chuckled herself, turning to the door and then back to him. "It's going to be worth it. At the end it always is."

"I hope so." This time Quatre's smile was bright and genuinely happy. "Would you like to help me cook lunch?"

"Of course!" she took his arm, allowing him to lead her to the kitchen.

It was just as spacious as the rest of the apartment with an isle in the centre and decorated all in beige and brown and wheat. Relena found the colours warming like a sunny morning and comforting. She smiled as she accepted the apron Quatre was offering her and pulled a ribbon off her dress to tie her hair up and away from her eyes as she moved to the sink to wash the vegetables. She already felt at home.

"Would you mind if I asked you something personal?" Quatre asked suddenly, sounding uncertain as he peeled an onion on the counter to her right. Relena turned to him for a moment, blinking, she found it funny that he should be so formal with her all of a sudden. They had known each other for 10 years and been good friends for almost as long, she knew and trusted him like no one else.

"You know you can ask me anything, Quatre." She turned back to the tomatoes with a reassuring smile.

"Are you and Heero…" he hesitated, making her wonder what was on his mind. He already knew Heero and she were together. They kept it out of the press to protect Heero's identity, but all their close friends and her relatives knew. "Are you…happy?"

The tomato fell out of her hand and onto the metal sink with a thud. Relena picked it up and continued washing. "Happy?" she wondered. If she were entirely honest, she had not really had the time to stop and think about their relationship… Where did she want it to go? Was it going there? And what did Heero want out of it? "I don't know… I guess we are." She shrugged turning off the water and shaking the drops off her hands. "Why do you ask?"

"I just…" Quatre actually looked worried if not a little embarrassed. She waited to hear what he had to say, her hands hovering over the edge of the sink. He still had to finish peeling the onion, his mind obviously elsewhere. "I found Heero and Trowa smoking in the terrace earlier. I don't know if you knew, but… Well, it worried me."

"I suspected Trowa had started smoking, but Heero…" for some reason she did not feel surprised though, perhaps a little disappointed. She wondered if she should blame Trowa, but she knew she could never do such a thing even if she wanted to. Heero was a grown man and he was responsible for his own decisions. "I don't know how I should feel about that… You think I should be worried?"

"I don't know… Maybe not. Maybe I'm overreacting." Quatre shook his head and finally seemed to put his heart into what he was doing. "I'm really worried about Trowa though."

"I know…" she sighed, transferring the wet vegetables to the counter where she would be able to peel and/or cut them. "I've been slowly trying to make him open up to me, but he doesn't give his trust easily. He talks to Heero though at least about a part of his issues… Maybe Heero's absorbing his pain somehow? I mean… it sounds stupid, but – after what you just said – it is the only thing that comes to mind."

"I'm sorry, 'Lena… I thought it was a problem between the two of you." He shrugged and moved on to melt butter in a frying pan. Relena – at his guidance – proceeded to peel the tomatoes and cut the potatoes. Those words would not leave her mind though… Could Heero be unhappy with their relationship? But then wouldn't he have said something? She had thought after 6 years together he would have been able to trust her… Maybe she was wrong, maybe he never would. She had woken up in the middle of the night to him thrashing and sweating countless times and yet he had never told her what he dreamed about… He thanked her for waking him up and that was the end of it.

"What about you?" she asked Quatre suddenly, trying to get her mind off its destructive path. "Are you seeing anyone?"

Heero chose that exact moment to walk in, he made his way to Relena leaning over her shoulder and asking if she needed help, then turned to Quatre as if extending his offer. "Could you maybe check on Khadija for me?"

He raised his eyebrows in an expression Relena had come to associate with surprise or maybe amusement, but he did walk out. She repeated her question to the blonde as Heero left, but then it was Trowa who walked in. "Are you doing this on purpose?" she asked them feigning indignation and could not help but chuckle when Quatre smirked at her. Trowa looked puzzled as he sat on a stool at the isle, but he did not ask.

Finally, when he was done cutting the onion, Quatre sighed and added the little pieces to the hot butter. The sounds and smells made their mouths water even though they were not really hungry yet. "I'm not seeing anyone… I tried after…" he glanced at Trowa briefly, turning back to the frying pan with a sad smile. Relena knew the story of course, not in detail, but she had a good grasp of what had happened. "Twice." He continued. "But it just backfired."

"I'm sorry." She said as she resumed cutting the potatoes in quarters.

Quatre shook his head, giving her a small smile. "Don't be. I am glad you, guys, care. I'm just not ready to talk about it."

Standing at the threshold, Heero cleared his throat. "She seems fine." He told Quatre simply and moved on to sit at the isle with Trowa.

"Does anyone know if Duo's dating anyone? It never occurred to me that he might want to bring someone when I told you to invite him…" the blonde young man took the peeled tomatoes to the food processor on one of the corner counters.

"Duo's always dating." Trowa told him matter-of-factly as soon as the noise from the processor died down. It was true. They did not know whether their braided friend just liked variety or whether he was looking for something he had not yet found, but one thing was for sure… Duo was _always _with someone. "I'm sure he would have mentioned though, if he had meant to bring someone."

"I hope you're right or Wufei will have to sleep on the sofa…" Quatre's eyes widened suddenly. "You don't think Wufei is bringing someone, do you?"

"Wufei?"

"No." all four of them answered together which made them laugh.

As Relena laid the potatoes on a baking tray as instructed by Quatre, the subject moved on to more trivial things like 'what exactly are we having for lunch' and 'what kind of drink would go best with that'. She met Trowa's eyes and he smiled at her. Something inside her just warmed up at the sight. It had been a long time since they had all had a good laugh, and Relena realised they felt just like a family all there together in the kitchen chit-chatting. Now, she could see why Quatre had wanted them to stay longer.

When the wars had ended they had thought that it would be impossible to move on if they stuck together, they thought being happy apart from each other would prove they had embraced peace and their new lives, but this was how things were really supposed to be. How they should have been since the start. Relena understood then she would have to think seriously about her life and what she wanted to do next and then she would have to talk to Heero about it… She wanted to fix all her problems, all _their_ problems so they could truly be happy for the first time in their lives.


	3. Chapter 3

Here's another chapter. With a little unexpected revelation at the end... All part of my great master plan. *smirks* Have fun!

CHAPTER 3

"Come on in." Quatre said as he crossed the hall with Duo on his heels. "I was just about to serve when you called."

"I hope you've left me some food or there'll be hell to pay!" he spoke loud enough to be heard by the others in the dining room.

"We wouldn't start without you, Duo." Relena strolled out of the kitchen with a smile and he had to put down his handbag to hug her.

Heero appeared on the threshold then and his eyes met Quatre's. The blonde raised an unconscious hand to his chest unable to look away. If he were entirely honest, the emptiness emanating from Heero bothered him even more than the hopelessness he saw in Trowa's eyes or the sadness he saw in Relena's. He did not know why…

"Hey there, Heero. Won't you come say hello to an old pal?" Duo spread his arms invitingly, but all he got was a nod and a 'Maxwell' of acknowledgement. At least he had forced Heero's gaze away from Quatre for which the blonde was truly grateful. "As charming as ever." Duo whispered aside to Relena, but not low enough to spare himself a brief glare, and the young woman joined him in his chuckles. "Where's Trowa?"

"Here." The aforementioned man walked out of the dining room with a raised hand. Quatre could see Duo's smile falter at the sight of him, but when the Deathscythe's former pilot's eyes sought his all he could do was smile sadly and shake his head.

"Jeez, man…" Duo stepped up to shake Trowa's hand and slap him on the shoulder. Quatre cringed at his choice of words dreading what he would say next. "It's been like… What? Nine years?"

"Yeah, about that long." Trowa smiled back wearily.

"Okay, guys. Let's eat! There will be plenty of time to catch up later." Quatre interrupted, ushering them all into the dining room before Duo's tongue could slip. He stayed behind and discreetly stepped into the kitchen to get the food as well as gather his thoughts. Why had he thought bringing them all back together was anything but a crazy idea? He should have invited them one at a time.

"Do you need help?" He jumped out of his skin at the sound of that voice and turned around to meet Heero's eyes yet again. They regarded each other in silence while Quatre tried to slow down his heartbeat. "What?" Heero finally asked when he realised the blonde had been struck speechless.

"What 'what'? You're the one who keeps staring at me." He turned half away then, horrified to feel his cheeks burning. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Heero's eyebrows go up in surprise before he opened his mouth to speak, but Trowa's voice – coming from the adjacent dining room – cut in.

"Hurry up, Quatre, or Duo will start chewing on the tablecloth."

"I thought you'd said the food was ready already." Duo added as if that was some sort of explanation.

"Coming!" Quatre shouted back meeting Heero's eyes briefly before picking up the heavy bowl of pasta with tomato sauce. Wing's former pilot snatched it away from him before he could protest and he seized the opportunity to add a few basil leaves to his masterpiece. He nodded his 'go' then and Heero left without a word. After picking up the plate with the baked potatoes and taking a very deep breath, he followed.

Duo had taken on host duty during his absence and was stuffing Trowa's plate with food when he took a seat. "That's far too much, Maxwell." The other protested, frowning at his now covered plate.

"Ya' need to get some flesh on those bones, buddy." The braided man said as nonchalantly as he did everything and did not even seem to notice the alarmed looks the others were sending him.

"I'll only get _fat _on my bones if I eat _that _much." Trowa retorted as he retrieved the plate, staring somewhat desolately at the mountain of pasta and the surrounding potatoes. He turned to Relena as her hand landed on his forearm.

"He's right. You need it." She told him with a reassuring smile that turned into a chuckle. Quatre saw something akin to confusion appear in Trowa's eyes then as he looked at her, but it was quickly replaced by resignation as the man turned back to his humongous meal. There was hope there, but there was also something else… He was not sure either of them realised it. Heero certainly didn't or he would have stopped it. Quatre looked up at him, but he was as focused on eating as if it were a mission. It had probably been his imagination.

"Are you sure you've made enough food for me, Quat'?" Duo asked as he filled his own plate, his mountain threatening to surpass even Trowa's. "'Cause we all know I can eat for three people."

"Don't lie, Duo. Everyone knows you can eat for five people." The former 03 pilot spoke up in a vengeful tone. Relena and Quatre laughed as Duo pouted indignantly at his friend.

"Don't worry, Duo." He reassured him with a smile. "You can eat Wufei's part."

"Isn't he coming?"

"I hope he is. We have no idea when he'll get here though."

"I think he's on a mission. He could not give details." Trowa added before bracing himself for yet another forkful of pasta.

"God, Quatre…" Relena shook her head, licking her lips. "This is divine."

"Thank you." He chuckled and blushed in pleasure at the compliment.

"She's right." Trowa agreed. "I guess it won't be so hard to eat this much after all."

"The best I've ever had." Duo said and Quatre was so happy he suddenly did not have the heart to reprimand his friend for speaking with his mouth full.

"I've always loved to cook." He confessed, smiling widely as he watched the others delight in his cooking.

"Ever thought about being a chef?" it was Heero who asked and his seriousness made an even deeper blush creep over Quatre's cheeks. He _had _thought about pursuing a culinary career, maybe starting his own business, but he had been far too busy taking over his father's empire and he did not really think dropping it all to study cuisine was an option. Hearing Heero say it like that made him wonder though…

He graced his friend with a smile that he hoped conveyed his gratitude at having his dreams reawakened, but refrained from answering. He knew if he said 'yes' they would all goad him on, ask him why he had not pursued it and he did not feel ready to look into that at the moment. For now, all he wanted was to enjoy the sight of his adopted family enjoying his culinary skills.

As they finished their meal, Relena offered to check on Khadija and Quatre managed to coax Duo into helping him clear the table while Trowa and Heero were distracted talking about the upcoming elections. Once they were safely in the kitchen and away from prying ears, Quatre cornered his friend. "Did you notice something strange between Trowa and Relena?"

"Something strange?" Duo frowned in confusion still not having recovered from the shock of the blonde's sudden approach. "Like what? An affair?"

"No, more like… More like they're falling in love with each other. Did you notice it?"

"No. I've been here five minutes, Quat'. You're the one who's been with them since mornin'." His friend scratched his head and suddenly his face took on a sad look. "Are you still pining after Trowa 'cause I thought we had agreed it was time for you to move on…"

"Trowa?" Quatre asked almost confused, a frown wrinkling his forehead. Trowa had barely crossed his mind. "I was thinking about Heero."

"Heero?" the surprise on Duo's face was slowly, but immediately, replaced by a suggestive smile. "So you _want _Relena and Trowa to be in love so you can have Heero all to yourself."

"What?" he could only stare at his friend and blush in his indignation. It _was _a pleasant thought having someone – _anyone _– all to himself, not necessarily Heero, but he felt somewhat outraged that Duo would even suggest he would wish for Relena and Trowa to cheat on the former 01 pilot like that.

"Oh, come on, Quat'. There's nothing wrong with it. I too think Heero's hot, actually I had a crush on him during the war. Always wondered what it would be like to make him lose that fucking self-control he prides himself so much on."

"Duo, shut up." Quatre hissed at him with a warning glare. There was only a door separating them from Heero himself and what if Relena had walked in on them talking about _her _man in such a way?

"Okay, okay. I get it. Hands off. He's all yours. I'm not interested anymore anyways." Duo raised his hands in surrender.

"What do you mean?" he frowned puzzled, letting his curiosity get the better of him when he should be scolding his friend and warning him never to breech that subject again. "Are you seeing someone? For real this time?"

"Seeing someone? No… Well, maybe… Okay, yeah. I am with someone, but I need you to shut up about it."

Quatre chuckled. He need only stare long enough for Duo to reveal all his little secrets. He meant to ask who it was, but Relena walked in then with a wide-awake Khadija in her arms. From that moment on, his friend was only 'ohhs' and 'ahhs' and 'peek-a-boo' thought the baby was still way too young to understand any of it.

"You're good with kids, Duo." Relena commented, giggling at him.

"That's because he's still a child himself." Quatre told her allowing the happy mood to contaminate him. He could muse about Duo's implications later.

OxOxO

He could not take his eyes off her… He knew it was wrong and he reprimanded himself for it again and again, but his eyes ended up returning to her anyways. It was all the little things that attracted him… The way her long blonde hair fell over her shoulders when she tilted her head, her eyes lighting up when she smiled, the timbre of her voice, the colour of her lips… It was like he had put on a pair of glasses that zoomed in automatically on whatever detail it judged relevant. Trowa did not seem to have a say in it and it was maddening.

As they relocated to the living room after dinner, during which Duo had tried yet again to stuff him with food and Quatre had delighted them with his culinary prowess one more time, he ended up sitting across from her and his eyes followed the thin white ankle up to the exposed knee as soon as Relena crossed her legs. She smiled at him when their eyes met, unaware of the indecent turn his thoughts seemed to be taking, but as guilty as he felt he couldn't stop himself from smiling back.

So taken was Trowa with his best friend's girlfriend, he nearly had a stroke when Quatre leaned over his shoulder, his hands on the back of the sofa. "We need to talk." He said, and Trowa could not decide whether he sounded angry or merely serious. He would have stood up and followed if the intercom had not rung.

"It must be Chang." He told the blonde, failing to hide the relief in his voice at the delay to their conversation or should he call it a confrontation? He knew Quatre was worried about him, maybe even angry at what he had done to himself. Heero had filled him in on their conversation at the terrace that morning and he had heard part of the blonde's conversation with Relena earlier in the kitchen as well. Surely she would be among the topics of discussion too, especially if Quatre had noticed the way he had been looking at her. What could he do? He was lonely and she was the only woman around most of the time.

Wufei looked pretty much the same. A little taller and travel-worn, but still impeccable in his Preventers uniform with the slick black hair combed back and tied up in the trademark ponytail or prototype thereof. "I'm sorry I'm late. I was working on a case."

"It's alright." Quatre smiled patting the man on the back. "I'm glad you came. We've just had dinner, if you'd like I could make you a plate."

"No, thank you. I ate on the flight here."

"You'll be sharing the room with Duo if you don't mind. It's the first door on the left. You may leave your bag there if you want."

"I don't mind sharing the room with Maxwell…" he actually smirked at that. "As long as he promises to shut up."

Duo, who had taken a seat next to Trowa, twisted his neck so he could stick his tongue out at the Chinese man over the back of the sofa. "Good to see ya' too, Chang."

"Just promise me you won't kill each other, will you?" Quatre begged half-kidding half-serious.

Wufei greeted Heero and Relena with nods, moving to stand behind the sofa where Trowa and Duo sat. "Chang." The former twisted his torso enough to offer his right hand.

"Barton. Long time no see." They shook hands and Trowa was relieved to notice Wufei did not seem at all affected by his cadaveric appearance, at least not as Quatre and Duo had been.

"Long time indeed." He agreed with a small smile.

"Isn't it time for you to get a haircut, Maxwell?"

"Says the man who can't decide if he wants to have long hair or short hair."

"Guys, please." Quatre stepped in, coaxing Wufei into following him to the bedroom to put his bag away.

"At least _some _things never change." Heero commented nonchalantly once they were gone and even though it was not meant to be funny Relena chuckled dragging Trowa with her. Duo followed suit though his was a wholehearted laugh with a creepy edge to it that made the others fall silent.

"So…" their host halted upon re-entering the living room and frowned at the sudden silence. He searched each and every one of their faces for any signs of trouble. Trowa sensed he was suspicious as if they had been plotting against him. He would never believe the awkward silence and his entrance had been a mere coincidence.

"'So' what?" Wufei walked past him almost kicking Duo's legs on his way to one of the beige armchairs. Trowa wondered if Quatre realised that almost every room in the apartment was light yellow or beige or brown… It was as if he had been trying to surround himself with the comforting familiarity of the desert, be it consciously or unconsciously. He lifted his own legs off the floor as Wufei passed just to be sure.

"So… Now that we're all finally here, why don't we share something about ourselves in the last 9 years?" the blonde took one of the remaining armchairs so he could have a good look at all his friends, a genuine smile on his face. "Anyone would like to start?"

Trowa didn't. He knew what he had to share, but he did not want to be the first. His eyes fell on Relena again as she picked up her glass off the coffee table and sipped on her wine. Did that mean she did not want to go first either? To everyone's surprise it was Wufei who raised his hand. Quatre smiled relieved as the Chinese man poured himself some wine before leaning back on his chair. He did not seem perturbed to be the centre of attention.

"Five years ago, I had an affair with Sally. It didn't work out." His tone betrayed nothing, but he did not meet their eyes.

"Everyone knows you had an affair with Sally." Duo rolled his eyes having obviously been expecting some life changing revelation.

"What happened? Why didn't it work out?" Quatre asked softly, leaning forward with a painful sympathetic look.

"She reminded me too much of my wife… I don't mean to replace her and Sally deserves to be more than that."

Trowa thought he saw the man smile sadly and at Duo nonetheless. He shook his head. None of them knew much about Wufei's deceased wife. All they knew was that her name had been Meilan Long, they had married young and she had died before the wars. They had been surprised enough that they had been privy to even that much information so none of them really expected to learn anymore.

"I'm sorry, Wufei." Relena gave the man a painful smile and Trowa saw her take Heero's hand in hers, holding it on her lap. He felt something clench inside him at the sight and forced himself to look away.

"Who's next?" Quatre asked, smiling brightly to lift the veil of sadness that had descended over them. "Has anyone got any happy news to share?" he chuckled at that and Trowa thought he saw Duo and Wufei share another look. How odd… Was it his imagination? Or maybe Heero had been wrong and nothing ever stayed the same…

"Well…" Relena started, attracting everyone's attention. She was playing with Heero's hand on her lap, but Trowa did not think it was out of nervousness. The young Foreign Minister had surely faced far tougher crowds. "Mine isn't really happy, but I don't think it's sad either." She smiled and shrugged before continuing. "I've decided not to run for president."

"That wasn't entirely unexpected." Wufei commented with a shrug of his own as he twirled the wine in his glass.

Relena frowned. "What do you mean?"

The Chinese man met her eyes seemingly surprised at her question. "You obviously haven't been very ambitious these last few years when it comes to your political career."

It was the young woman's turn to look surprised. "No, I have not." She agreed. Then shook her head, regaining her smile. "That was all I had to say, I guess. My life is pretty much out in the open."

"So's mine." Quatre agreed somewhat sadly before meeting everyone's gazes. "I think it's my turn now. I… I missed you, guys. A lot. Iria was the only one of my sisters that I was really close to and when she died…" he shook his head fighting back the emotions. "I am grateful to have Khadija now as a permanent fixture in my life, but without _you _I would have been alone. You are my family." At last he could not stop the tears and, even though they were mostly happy tears, both Duo and Relena went to sit beside him to hug and comfort him. "Thank you. Thank you for being here." The smile brightened when he finished and Trowa could feel the relief that washed over them all. He met Heero's gaze, remembering the things they had discussed before leaving Earth. Quatre was indeed lonely and that was partly their fault. They should not have lost touch.

"Okay, okay." Their host chuckled disentangling himself off his friends' arms and wiping away the tears. "I'm fine. Let's move on, shall we?"

"I guess we're in need of happy news again, huh?" Duo asked not moving from his new perch on the arm of Quatre's chair. "So… I got a dog. Six months ago. He's a destructive black lab and Hilde convinced me – with more than a few smacks, to the head may I add – not to name him Scythe." He chuckled when he got a few laughs from his less stoic friends and discreet smiles from the more stoic ones. "We name him Bandit instead. You, guys, should come over some day and meet him. Oh, and, Trowa? I expect free consults when you graduate."

He smiled sadly at Duo then, noticing the worried looks he was receiving from both Heero and Relena. "About that…" Trowa cleared his throat and his smile went from sad to nervous. "I guess it's my turn now… I… I dropped out of college. I'm sorry, Duo. I suppose I could give my opinion if you ever need it, but… Yeah, well…" he chuckled at the seemingly heartbroken looks on both Quatre's and Duo's faces. Wufei had his eyes closed and his fingers intertwined looking pretty much like one of those snobbish know-it-all psychiatrists Trowa had wasted his money on a couple of times. He dreaded to think what would come out of the man's mouth.

"How long…?" it was Quatre who broke the silence.

"7? Maybe 8 months? Heero gave me advice, but… At the end it was my choice to make and I thought that I would go mad if I didn't give it up. I just didn't fit in. I'm sorry. I know I let many of you down."

"You didn't let us down, Trowa." Relena smiled gently, comfortingly.

"You're right." Wufei finally spoke up. "It is your life. Your choice. We can but offer advice and support your decision."

He sighed, relieved, and graced his friend with a small smile. "Thank you."

"So what are you going to do now?" Duo asked curiously. "Any ideas?"

"I like my job." Trowa shrugged and his smile widened when he met Relena's eyes. She smiled back at him and, since she was still sitting on the arm of Quatre's chair, he could not help but notice the blonde's worried frown.

"Heero, you're the only one left." Wufei informed the man, and Heero frowned.

"I have nothing to tell."

"Oh, come on!" Duo rolled his eyes at him. "There's gotta be _something_."

"I did drugs." He said with a shrug.

"Like what? Tylenol? Aspirin?"

"Like amphetamines, cannabis, cocaine, heroin… Meth…"

Even Wufei was staring at him, yet he seemed unaffected. "Why would you do that?" Quatre asked and never before had he sounded so horrified.

"I was trying to feel something. Anything." He shrugged again dismissively. "It didn't work."

Trowa saw the confusion and hurt on Relena's face, but he couldn't really understand how she must have been feeling. Part of him was angry at Heero for hurting her though he knew his friend wasn't at fault. He had thought the former 01 pilot had moved on without effort or trouble, he had marvelled at how perfectly the man had fallen into his new role. Now, it seemed that was only what Heero had wanted them to believe, but not the way things really were. Perhaps he had been ashamed not to be perfect for once. Trowa could see no other explanation why Heero would not have shared such information with him when they had shared much more intimate information throughout the years…

"Looks like our little game is over." Wufei pushed himself up as he broke the awkward silence. "If you'll excuse me… I need a shower."

"Make yourself at home." Quatre shouted after him, smiling over his shoulder. Then he turned to Trowa and the man knew the time had come for their inevitable face-off. He stood up just as their host excused himself and warned the others they would be 'right back' and they took the stairs up to the TV room. Trowa barely had the time to give Heero a hopeless look before they were out of sight.

OxOxO

Quatre sat on the sofa, looking up at him as he stood awkwardly at the top of the stairs. He was too restless to sit down, his thoughts jumbled, but he did not want to pace either. The room was hardly big enough for that. Trowa feared it might to not even be big enough for the conversation they were about to have. It was just like being confronted by one's family… He wondered if Catherine would be as bad.

"I'm worried about you." Quatre started, meeting his eyes with a painful frown.

"I know." He sighed and the nervousness seemed to leave him at least partially. It was enough for Trowa to risk taking a sit at the further side of the sofa, turning sideways so he was facing his friend. "I know you're worried, but I'm fine."

"Are you? Really?" there was scepticism in the blonde's voice. "Don't lie to me, Trowa…" he shook his head gravely disappointed. "I only wish to help."

"I realise I look bad, Quatre, but I'm fine. Really. Just a little tired."

Quatre sighed. "You dropped out of college… You were so close to graduating."

"I had to. I had to make a decision, to think of what I truly needed for once."

"And what are you going to do now? Are you trying to turn into Heero?"

"What?" Trowa stared at him confused. Part of him wondered if he should be offended, but he knew there were worse people to be compared to.

"Heero's world revolves around Relena. Now, so does yours. The only thing missing is for you to be together."

He frowned. "What are you trying to say?"

"Are you in love with her?"

"In love?" was he? Was that why he could not get her out of his mind? Why every time she touched him – as innocent as it was – it set his blood on fire? No, that was not it. He couldn't be in love with Relena. It was just loneliness and hormones. "No, I'm not in love with her and, even if I were, what difference would it make? She's with Heero."

"Yes, but they're not happy." Quatre was merely stating a fact, but Trowa stared at him unsure if he should read more into that statement than was really there.

"You're telling me to break them up?" he could not stop himself from asking, sceptically. The blonde blushed. "Because I would never do that."

"Neither would I. I just worry about them… Heero especially." Quatre's face took on that painful expression of concern again. "He's so empty… I'm not sure he knows what he wants. It feels like he's going with the flow, turning Relena into a mission of sorts…" he shook his head. "How close are you really? Had he told you about this drugged rampage of his?"

Trowa frowned. He had been worried that Quatre might be obsessing about him when it was obvious it was Heero he was truly concerned with and he had been giving their friend's situation quite a lot of thought. "No, he hadn't told me about that… I think he must have been ashamed however ridiculous it might seem... He did tell me about the two of you though."

"He did what?!" Quatre paled visibly and Trowa was glad that he was already seated. "_I _haven't told anyone and Heero has told _you_?"

"I'm a good listener. And a reliable one." He shrugged. "I'm here if you want to talk about it."

The blonde closed his eyes, releasing a long held breath, and then shook his head with a groan. "I don't want to talk about it." But he did anyways and Trowa smiled inwardly. "I made the wrong choice, okay? If I had not been so enraptured by _you_… If I had known you would say 'no', I would have asked _him_ to come back to L4 with me, then he would have been mine now.

"You said they were unhappy…"

"No, Trowa. You don't even _think _about that." Quatre stood up, strolling past Trowa towards the stairs. When the conversation was about him he did not really want to participate. "We need to help them sort out their feelings and – if being together makes them happy – fix their relationship. They are our friends." He added over his shoulder in a slightly resigned tone before disappearing down the stairs. Trowa stared at the empty spot he had left behind and mused at the sudden turn of events. Was he _really _in love with Relena? How did Heero feel about Quatre? And should he talk to the man himself or wait for their blonde friend to do it?


	4. Chapter 4

Hi, everyone! I know Khadija needs to appear more and I will be remedying that from now on. Don't worry though, when she's off scene she's being take care of and there's always an eletronic baby sitter around. :P

CHAPTER 4

_With painful dread he watched himself stand there with the detonator in hand. He knew what would come, knew he would not be able to stop it… This was only a dream after all and he was only a spectator. Still, he shouted at his fifteen year old self to stop. He always did, though he never listened._

_The first explosions filled the air with smoke tinged orange by the fire. "Mission accomplished." He heard his young self say and there was the smallest of smiles tugging at his lips. He had always felt pleased at the end of a mission, but in that smile he detected something he had not realised he had felt at the moment…relief. Had he always felt relieved when a mission ended? Why would he when all it did was leave him purposeless?_

_And then something went terribly wrong… He had made a miscalculation. One of the explosions knocked down a nearby Leo and he was left to watch – horrified – as it collapsed against an apartment building before going up in flames. His heart had been racing, pumping blood into his limbs, while his brain yelled at him to do something. He heeded the messages of his body, running towards the building just as the mobile suit exploded. In his powerlessness and consequent rage, he threw the detonator on the floor. There was nothing he could do. Nothing._

_They had wanted to retrain him after that failure. Erase all humanity still left in him. He had returned battered and broken. The image of that little dog… An innocent creature, without a single care in the world, lying motionless in the falling cinders. That image resumed all that the wars had represented to him and he found himself wishing they _had _erased his humanity after all, _had _turned him into a complete weapon and not a mere prototype._

_Somewhere, in the middle of debris, he heard a baby's cry. He stood up with the dog's motionless body in his arms and searched desperately around. This had never happened before…_

Gasping, Heero sat up on the bed. The digital clock on the nightstand blinked 2:38. He turned to Relena as she shifted slightly moaning in her sleep, and then he realised he could still hear the muffled cries of a baby in the background. Quatre's niece. Khadija, his sleep laden brain filled in for him. He gave Relena another look before standing up and walking out into the dark corridor. There was no use trying to sleep after that nightmare anyway.

He meant to go to the kitchen and fetch himself a glass of water, but ended up following the blood curdling cries into the nursery. Without a second thought, he walked in and found Quatre pacing with the baby tucked in his left arm and an awaiting bottle on his right hand. He shook Khadija gently up and down trying to make her stop crying long enough to notice the nipple against her lip. Transfixed, he stood there watching for the longest of times.

"I'm sorry she woke you." Quatre whispered when the baby finally calmed down and took the bottle. As he took a sit on the armchair by the cradle, Heero realised he had a bib draped over his shoulder. It was both the most unexpected and most touching scene he had ever witnessed, though he could not fathom why. Maybe his nightmare had affected him more than it should. Maybe he saw that little girl he had killed in Quatre's protégée. A second chance. "Heero? Are you alright?"

"It wasn't her." He said hurriedly, shaking his head to clear it.

"Nightmares?" the blonde's tone was knowing and weary. It was the tone of someone who knew exactly how his interlocutor felt because he had been there himself. "Do you have many?"

Heero shrugged still standing at the door. "My fair share." He waited another moment before crossing the space between them his eyes glued to the small, almost hairless, blonde head. The baby was gulping the milk quick and earnestly. She would be done soon. He found it almost impossible to believe he had been like that once… To be so fragile, so vulnerable and dependant… The mere thought of it horrified him.

"Would you like to hold her?" Quatre asked suddenly, his voice soft almost hopeful, but Heero did not trust himself.

"No." he said, but ran a gentle hand over Khadija's head feeling the soft hair against the tips of his fingers. His heart clenched, his face taking on a painful frown as he realised that he was afraid, afraid for her because she was all those things he could not even imagine being. When he looked up, he found Quatre staring at him with a mix of awe and something he could not name… Yearning, perhaps?

He left as abruptly as he had come and resumed making his way to the kitchen to get that glass of water. Then, once he had it, he sat at the isle and stared at it not feeling the least bit thirsty. There was something about Quatre, about his presence that made him _feel_. He was not sure what it was… Sometimes he wondered if those feelings were even his, after all he had been empty for so long… And yet he was not sure what to think about it, about these feelings. He was afraid he might be turning into someone else. And what if it was someone worse?

"Why are you in the dark?" the blonde asked as he turned on the lights and made his way to the sink. Heero thought he would just leave the empty bottle and walk out, but – to his surprise – Quatre started washing the dishes left from dinner. "I can't sleep." He explained surely feeling the weight of Heero's gaze on him.

"Why did they backfire?" he asked suddenly, curious. He was definitely not himself anymore.

"Why did what backfire?" the blonde's shoulder tensed under Heero's gaze, and they both knew his confusion was mere pretence.

"Your relationships."

Quatre sighed. "Those are long stories."

"You've got plenty of dishes." He shrugged though the other could not see it and, despite the fact he had sounded nothing but serious, Quatre laughed.

"Well…" he turned off the water, his dripping hands hovering over the sink as he threw Heero a glance over his shoulder to make sure he was not talking to himself. "The first one was called Jeremy. I met him at a function, a fundraiser for cancer research or some other very important medical thing. At the beginning I was a little uncertain… He was a model and I thought once we got out of there and back to the real life that he would turn out to be a brainless fool."

"You assumed that based solely on the fact that he worked as a model?" Heero could not hide his surprise, he could not even stop his eyebrows from twitching.

"Horrible, I know, but if you had seen him… He was just too handsome to be true so I just assumed there _had _to be a downside to all that. We had been going out for a month, as intimate friends of sorts, when he started questioning my need for privacy and 'why was I avoiding the press when being seen with him was obviously the best thing that could ever happen to me'? I tried to explain that my family was traditional, that I was a Muslim, that I was responsible for millions of lives through the management of my father's company _and _that I wanted my sisters to learn about it from myself - not some tabloid -, but he would have none of it. He wanted to use me to promote himself and when he realised it wasn't happening he just walked out." Quatre finished with a shrug as if to say he did not really care or it did not really matter.

Heero waited for the second story, but when the blonde restarted scrubbing greasy plates he realised he would have to pry. "You said there had been two. What about the second one?"

"Why do you care?" the blonde threw him a doubtful look over his shoulder before resuming his boring task.

"You think I do not realise you shared nothing earlier tonight other than the obvious fact that you missed us?"

"What about you and your drugged rampage? What was all that about?"

He stood and stalked up to the counter, leaning against the corner so he could stare at his host and still give him enough space to be comfortable. "Do not try to change the subject."

"It always works with Duo… _and _Trowa." The blonde mused out loud turning on the water frustrated. "His name was Latif. He was an accountant. I hired him to work at WEI, then I had to sack him and hire someone else. The end."

Heero stared. "That's it?" he asked incredulously and his tone made it quite clear he would continue staring until he got the full account. Quatre obviously needed to talk about it even though he refused to, and somewhere inside him Heero cared. He cared about the blonde's mental health.

Quatre turned off the water again, hands resting on the edge of the sink as he stared at the tiles in front of him thoughtfully. "I was falling for him, Heero. For the first time since Trowa, I thought I would be able to love someone as much as I had loved him and actually have those feelings returned, which would have been a great – _great _– bonus. We were together for almost three years… He had moved in here with me… I introduced him to my sisters even though I knew many of them would not understand…" at this point he choked on the tears he refused to shed. "And all that time he was robbing me, robbing my company behind my back… He even had a girlfriend, fiancée, whatever… A woman who helped him from the outside. As Duo would say: 'Ain't it great to be rich?'."

"I'm sorry." Was all Heero could say, pushing away from the counter to grab a dishrag so he could start drying the plates Quatre was already done with. For a long moment they were silent, he pretended not to be paying attention, but he could feel the other's pensive gaze on him. It was a heavy gaze, like the calm before the storm, and then Quatre looked away.

"Do you still think about what happened between us?" he asked and it was so sudden Heero had not the time to make up a lie.

"No." he said because it was the truth. They had been young and inexperienced. Quatre had been mourning Trowa's supposed death and he… Well, Heero was not sure what he had been thinking. The blonde had made the first move and he had just followed along relieved to be able to engage in an activity that did not require much more than instinct. They had never talked about it and, when they met again in outer space, Trowa had been with them once more and things had seemed to just fall back into place. So he saw no need to dwell on it. "Do you?" he asked as an afterthought.

"Yes." Quatre said as if the blush on his cheeks was not answer enough. He still wouldn't meet Heero's eyes.

Heero decided not to pry the other any further, concentrating on his self-appointed task instead and picking up a dripping plate with the white dishrag. He watched Quatre out of the corner of his eye, wondering what that answer meant. Was it a 'yes, I still think about it and I'd like to do it again' or was it a 'yes, I still think about it and it reminds me that I never want to do it again'? Which one of those yesses would he prefer? He supposed his commitment to Relena determined he choose the second one, but then again… His commitment to Relena determined he should not even be thinking about such things.

And then, as if conjured up by his thoughts, she appeared at the doorway, blinking sleepily at the bright lights. He wondered if she had heard anything she shouldn't and if she would ask them what made them think it was a decent time to clean up the kitchen, but what they were doing barely seemed to register with her.

"Are you coming back to bed?" she asked in a tiny fragile voice, embracing herself against the sudden chill. He nodded and, as suddenly as she had come, she was gone.

"Are you staying?" he turned around to find Quatre looking even more solemn than he had before and frowned.

"No. I should go back to Khadija." the blonde turned off the water and dried his hands on the rag Heero had just abandoned. "What was that drugged rampage about anyways?" he asked in a whisper as they exited and Heero was relieved to hear that angry mother hen tone in his voice again.

"I already told you."

"Yeah, but I didn't buy it."

They went silent as they entered the corridor and Quatre stopped and peek into Khadija's bedroom. Heero did not know why, but he stopped as well and waited. It was when they heard whispers. Their eyes met and they were both frowning. Then with sudden realisation and worry, the blonde crossed the corridor and touched his ear to the door of the room Duo and Wufei were sharing. He gestured for Heero to do the same. It made him feel ridiculous, but he did it anyway.

"Duo, you are _not_ getting bald." They heard Wufei's bored voice and wondered when he had started calling Deathscythe's former pilot by his first name.

"No… Have you seriously looked at it? I mean _seriously_. Here. Look again." There was a pause. "Now, tell me I'm not getting bald."

"You are not getting bald." Came the answer with a touch of exasperation. "That's a normal receding hairline. It's an effect of testosterone. A proof that you're growing older…at least physically."

"Hey! What's _that _supposed to mean?" Duo's tone went up a notch and then they heard the muffled sounds of a scuffle that only stopped when something solid hit the ground.

After almost an entire minute of silence, Quatre made to open the door, seeming truly horrified. Heero suspected he had heard murder – strangulation – in that prolonged silence, but he grabbed the blonde's wrist stopping him and shaking his head. That had definitely been an awkward conversation, but he was sure Duo and Wufei knew better than to actually kill each other. With a sigh, Quatre let the doorknob go, his lips forming an 'alright'. Heero let his wrist go and this time he did not stop, did not wait. He returned to the bedroom he shared with Relena and closed the door behind him.

OxOxO

_She tilted her head to the side, her hair cascading smoothly over her shoulders as she smiled at him. It was a happy seductive smile that betrayed all her hidden feelings and made delicate wrinkles appear on the corners of her eyes. They were sitting at a bar counter, but there was nothing around them, only white. He let his head fall on the arm he had resting on the counter top as he watched her._

_Relena tilted her head the rest of the way until it was lying on her forearm, resting on the counter much like his. She was so close… Their faces were so close and they were just smiling at each other, talking intimately though Trowa could not hear either his or her voices. Seductively, she laughed at something he said and then they seemed to be lying even closer._

_Her forehead was suddenly against his and he could feel the softness of her skin and the coolness of her hair against his. Like cats they seemed to be marking each other and the sensations those apparently innocent caresses evoked in him were unbelievable. He rubbed his nose against hers… Her rosy lips looked so inviting, he wanted to kiss her._

_"Trowa." That was most definitely _not _her voice._

_He pulled away and the whole place seemed to vanish, blending with the blank background._

"Trowa."

When he woke up to Heero standing beside the sofabed, towering over him, he felt half hard and frustrated, but it lasted only a second before guilt stabbed at him and he dropped an arm over his eyes to hide it. "What time is it?" he groaned.

"Almost eight." There was a pause. Heero seemed to be waiting for him to make a move maybe remove his arm from his face, but he just wasn't ready. "I want to go for a walk. I need to talk to you."

Trowa finally met his friend's eyes frowning sleepily. Why would Heero need to talk to him so suddenly? Could it be he wanted to apologize for not telling Trowa he had done drugs? That seemed highly unlikely… Maybe there was more to the story than he had been willing to share the night before, but now he needed a confidant. Maybe he could tell Trowa where he got his drugs… He was starting to think he might need them.

"Can I have breakfast first?"

Heero shrugged as if it made no difference and, once Trowa had pulled on a pair of sweat pants and sneakers, they made their way to the kitchen. To his utter delight or displeasure, Relena was already there in a silk nightgown that reached mid-thigh and a matching robe she had not bothered to tie. He had seen her like that countless times before, but – after the dream he had just woken up from – the thought that she was so comfortable around him in such clothes made him feel guilty.

"Good morning." She greeted them with a warm smile. A cup of freshly brewed tea in her hands. "You're up early."

They were always up early the three of them, even on weekends, but perhaps she had thought that would change with the scenery. "We're going for a walk." He said before he could stop himself and Heero's discreet glare burned holes into the side of his skull. It was just as well or he would have asked her to join them. The thought of Relena in running shorts and tank top with her hair in a high ponytail was mouth-watering.

"Oh." Was all she said and then smiled. "I told Quatre I would look after Khadija so he could go back to bed for a couple more hours." she justified. Apparently, he had made the statement sound as a sort of invitation anyway. "There's some tea left if you'd like. It's chamomile."

Then she walked up to Heero and gave him a peck on the lips. It was a chaste kiss, brief with no telling signs of passion, but it made Trowa feel sick. He wondered if things had already been like this before they left Earth… If they had not, he wondered when they had changed. Maybe Quatre's words the previous night had changed the way he saw Relena. Maybe it was the fact that they were not home anymore. Maybe he was going crazy anticipating the moment when he'd have to tell Catherine about his failure in being normal, moving on.

"Let's go." He told his friend. "I'll eat when we get back."

Heero nodded and they left the building without a word. Trowa was not familiar with L4, but he did not really fear getting lost in a colony, especially not in a rich one, so he let his feet take him wherever they willed. He trusted his friend too to know where they were going. The word 'lost' did not belong in association with the word 'physically' at least not in Heero's vocabulary. Now, he _could _probably associate it with the words 'emotionally' or 'spiritually', but Trowa preferred not to dwell too much on it.

"Quatre still thinks about what happened between us." Heero dropped the bomb when they stood somewhere between a bakery and an empty playground.

Trowa frowned, unsure what to make of it. "Did he tell you that?"

"He asked me if I still thought about it." And he did sound thoughtful as he said it so his next words surprised the former pilot 03. "I said I didn't, then inquired if _he _still thought about it."

"You said you _didn't_?"

"I _don't_." Heero defended himself. "I dream about it sometimes, but that does _not _mean I _think _about it."

He sighed, as they paused for a fraction of a second before crossing a street, and noticed out of the corner of his eye that his friend looked troubled. "You're thinking about it now." Trowa stated matter-of-factly and the silence confirmed it. "How do you…" he trailed off, trying to find a better way to phrase it without sounding like one of those therapists he had grown to despise. At last he failed. "How does that make you feel?"

Heero snorted. "Stupid." Trowa blinked once…twice… Heero felt…stupid? "What?" came the irritated question and he realised he had stopped walking.

"Why would you feel stupid?"

"What is the point lingering in the past? I've been trained not to allow such things to distract me. What's done is done."

Trowa watched his friend's back for a moment a painful yet sympathetic look on his face. So that was the way of things… "The war is over, Heero. It's been over for 9 years." He had to jog to catch up with the man, but he thought the reminder was worth it.

"Hn." Was all the acknowledgement Heero offered.

As they turned to make their way back, Trowa decided to let it go. There was nothing he could do, but hope that his friend would think about that statement, of how relevant it truly was and what it meant. For now, he steered the conversation into different grounds. "I leave for L3 tomorrow morning. I bought two tickets… Thought you could come with me." He did not want to do this alone, but that was as close to an admission as he would ever get, though he knew his companion wasn't going to judge him.

"Wouldn't you rather take Quatre?" Heero asked after some time. "He's more in touch with human emotions than I am." He justified when Trowa sent him a confused frown.

"You sound as if you weren't human."

"Sometimes I don't feel like I am."

Trowa watched Heero carefully for a moment, but the former pilot 01's face remained blank though there was an edge of weariness to his voice. "I just think you and Relena know me best by now."

"Hn." It sounded like a consent, therefore Trowa decided not to press.

As they made their way back in comfortable silence, his mind wandered back to Relena and the dream he had had that morning. He wondered if he should tell Heero about it, but quickly pushed the idea aside. For all he had learned about Wing's former pilot in the last 6 years, he could not even imagine what his reaction would be. True, the dream had almost been innocent… She had not even been naked, in fact they had barely had bodies, yet it had still turned him on. For some reason that thought was even scarier. Now, he could not use her physical attributes and feminine attractiveness as an excuse to his body's reactions. Was he really _that _lonely? Or was he _really _falling in love with her?

"I think I'm going insane." He whispered to himself as they walked back into the lobby. Heero gave him a quizzical look, raising his eyebrows. Thankfully, he made no comment and they took the elevator up to the penthouse.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

_They had been back to Earth for one night and one day, but the men who held them 'prisoner' were friendly enough that all worries Quatre had of being executed – as Romefeller had ordered – were completely gone. Not that it made him happy… No. Now that he felt relatively safe and there were no missions to occupy his mind, it insisted on wondering back to Trowa and how he had killed him. He tried to deny it, to stay hopeful, to pretend their quiet teammate was only missing and not truly gone, but when he was alone it became much harder to keep the façade… Quatre had taken Trowa home before he even knew his name, confided in him, earned his trust and fallen in love with him in a very small amount of time. He had never had reason to question his feelings so he had nurtured them, drawing strength and hope out of the frail bond he had forged with gundam Heavyarms' pilot, but now… Now Trowa was gone and it was his fault._

_Heero found him hugging his knees to his chest and crying when he entered their tent that night. However little it was it still housed two cheap cots separated by an old barrel with a battery lamp on top. The space was narrow and privacy was not an option. Quatre hid his wet face behind his knees as soon as his eyes met the other pilot's. The part of him that felt mortified at his display of weakness desperately wanted Heero to leave, but the other part – the one that felt painfully hopeless and alone – wanted him to stay._

_He continued hiding his face like a child, sniffling as his companion took a seat on the empty cot only a foot away and started unlacing his shoes. As expected, Heero said nothing, but Quatre could feel the emptiness that flowed off of him in waves. He risked a one-eyed peek, turning his head slightly to the side, but the pilot 01 was still busy with his sneakers and paid the blonde no mind. Quatre raised his head, grief forgotten, and allowed himself to stare until Heero met his gaze._

_"How do you do it?" he asked in a whisper._

_"Do what?" the brown haired youth looked back down as he put his socks away._

_"How can you not feel anything? You're always so…empty."_

_"Hn." Was all Heero offered, though he did meet Quatre's half-confused half-awed gaze before lying down with his arms folded underneath his head._

_"I wished I could feel that empty…"_

_Sharp eyes pierced him with sudden anger, which in retrospect the blonde realised had actually looked more like annoyance. "You don't know what you're talking about." He answered and closed his eyes._

_As soon as Heero's gaze released him, Quatre found himself leaving his cot to settle tensely on the edge of the other pilot's. It was hard not to touch in so narrow a space, but somehow he managed. He did not know what had incited him to make so bold a move… Even after a decade he had not reached a conclusion. Curiosity at the sudden spark he had glimpsed in his stoic friend's eyes? Probably. Fondness? Surely he would not have saved Heero from Wing Zero and taken him back to Earth if he didn't care. Loneliness? A human need for comfort? Reassurance?_

_His eyes ran over his teammate, taking on the messy brown hair, the thick eyebrows, the long eyelashes, the delicate nose… Heero opened his eyes when Quatre traced his lips with a trembling finger. Their gazes met, but the blonde did not perceive any emotion coming from the other pilot, only that never ending emptiness. Slowly, he lowered his head, eyes fleeting cautiously over Heero's before he brushed his lips against the other youth's._

_When he pulled away, Heero's expression remained unreadable, but the surge of emotion Quatre could feel coming from the brown haired pilot was so new and overwhelming he quickly retreated to his own cot and disappeared under the covers. He feared what he had felt had been anger, rage. He feared he had given Heero a reason to hate him… As he turned the facts over and over in his head the following day though he realised it had actually been surprise the other pilot had felt… Surprise, confusion and desire, and he also realised he shared the sentiment._

A knock on the door brought him back from his reverie and Quatre saw Trowa standing at the threshold, holding the door open with one hand and looking slightly uncertain. "What are you doing?" he asked after a contemplative moment.

"Well…" the blonde looked down at the sleeping baby in his arms. "I was trying to keep her awake longer during the day to see if she got tired enough to sleep through the night, but I spaced out for a second…" he sighed, caressing Khadija's brow. "It was Duo's idea – believe it or not – I don't think he wants to be woken up by her shrieking for the next 5 nights." With a chuckle Quatre looked back up, but Trowa was still at the threshold and he barely seemed to be paying attention. "Would you like to hold her?"

"What? Uh…" the former pilot 03 actually took an unconscious step back, making the blonde laugh. "No, not really. I would like to talk to you though." He frowned lightly and Quatre could see he was not entirely sure about that course of action. Trowa did not wait for an answer, stepping into the room and closing the door behind him. He did not move from the entrance though, surely afraid the smiling blonde might still hand Khadija to him despite his denial.

"Where are the others?"

"Duo convinced them to play cards… The loser changes the next dirty diaper."

Quatre laughed softly not to awake his sleeping niece. "And how did you manage to escape?"

"I won the first round so I was dismissed." Trowa finally pushed away from the door at the blonde's nod and walked idly around the bedroom, pretending to examine one piece of furniture after the other. Quatre waited patiently while his friend sorted out his thoughts. "I dreamed of Relena." He said after running his hand over the top of the changing table and turning around to lean against it.

"What kind of dream was it?" the blonde asked more patient than actually curious. "Erotic?"

"No! And yes…" Trowa blushed and frowned, staring at a random spot on the carpeted floor. "We were just talking and laughing and smiling at each other… She didn't even have a body! And yet…" when he raised his head to meet Quatre's understanding gaze, he looked almost desperate, as if he were about to lose his mind. "I can't fall in love with her, Quatre. I just can't."

The blonde's eyes softened as he shifted Khadija in his arms, holding her closer, and even though he understood his friend's desperation he could not help but smile. "I'm sorry. I've just never seen you so distressed before." He explained at Trowa's disbelieving glare.

"What do you think it means?" the former pilot 03 started pacing in front of Quatre's armchair, moving from the cradle to the changing table and back again as he ran nervous fingers through his hair.

"What?" Quatre was having a hard time keeping his smile at bay. It was really interesting to see the other man acting so out of character.

"The dream! What do you think it means?"

"Well… Honestly?" he waited for the exasperated nod before answering. "I think it means you love her for who she is and not just for her body. It is her wits that turn you on. Her body's just a bonus, a very good bonus perhaps, but a bonus anyway."

Trowa stared at him. He had obviously expected Quatre to tell him the dream meant nothing, that he was just horny or needy or whatever, and the answer had caught him off guard. His shock did not last long though. He leaned against the changing table and slid down until he was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. "I can't be in love with her." Was all he said. "I am _not _in love with her." He repeated with extra-forced conviction.

"Is it really that bad?" the blonde asked, brows knitting in sympathy. "What are you afraid of?"

"Afraid?" he raised his head to meet his host's gaze with a troubled frown. "I don't think that's the right word… Can't you see? If I fall in love with her, I will have betrayed both hers _and_ Heero's confidence." Trowa sighed. "Right when I thought life would finally get comfortable."

Quatre stood up and gently placed Khadija back into her cradle. The big blue eyes opened up to stare at him. He wondered how things looked like from her point of view, if she could indeed discern anything, and he smiled, missing Iria more than ever. His sister would have known what to do, she would have been able to solve all their problems after only a few minutes of hard pondering. She was always so calm and nonchalant in her dealings with the matters of the heart.

The door opened then and Duo pushed a reluctant Wufei inside. "Hey, Quat'? I've got ya' a new nanny for the day." The braided man beamed and the Chinese man grimaced.

"One diaper was the agreement, Maxwell." Came the vehement protest.

"Yep! One _dirty _diaper, Chang. Though I figured you could take care of her until, well… You know." Duo heard a snicker then and quickly spotted Trowa sitting with his back against the changing table. "Whoa! Trowa, what are you doing there?"

"Don't worry, Duo. I was just leaving. Wouldn't want to spoil Wufei's babysitting time." And he stepped past his friends and out the door. Quatre watched him go with an uneasy feeling in his gut… Who was going to save him from his other 2 friends now?

"Really, Duo. There's no need. I can take care of Khadija. It's no trouble."

"Come on, Quat'. You need a break, besides… Don't you trust me? I have experience with children and I'll be here to supervise." Duo pushed the hesitant blonde away from the cradle and towards the doorway.

"But…" he nearly whined.

"No buts."

"Are you sure?" Quatre stared worriedly past his friend's shoulder at Wufei, who continued staring warily at the cradle, and the spot where he knew his niece was lying unaware of the dangers that awaited her.

"Yeah, yeah. Sure. We'll be fine." Deathscythe's former pilot waved away his concerns with a huge grin. "Go make me another fantastic lunch." He turned around. "Now, you! Let me show you how it's done. We'll go step-by-step."

"I know how to change a diaper, Maxwell. I am not _that _stupid." The Chinese man complained annoyed.

"But you _are _a little stupid, then?" Duo's Cheshire-cat smile did not mean well to Wufei. "You've never really changed one."

"Which does not mean I don't know how."

"We'll see about that."

Chuckling, however uncertainly, Quatre left the bedroom. It was not that he did not trust his friends, but that he had been avoiding Heero. The brown haired man had made him feel pathetic after his admission that he still thought about things past, and yet for a moment there the blonde had felt Heero more alive than ever. What had moved him so? Had it been the nightmare he'd had? Could a dream be so powerful to affect the perfect soldier? Or was there, perhaps, a tiny little chance that it had been _his _presence? Was it too snobbish of him to think _he _could give Heero what neither Relena nor drugs had been able to give? As wrong as it was… He honestly hoped not.

OxOxO

Relena saw Trowa sigh again and smiled. They had lost a match of golf to Quatre and Heero and been left to do the dishes and set the kitchen straight. Covered in foam up to the elbows he did not look pleased, but she was glad he had been the one 'chosen' to spend that time with her. They often spent time alone together, but she had not realised just how much those moments meant to her until they had been taken away. Trowa was different than all the others, even Heero whom he shared a significant number of traits with, and Relena had missed him.

"Are you ready for your trip tomorrow?" she asked as he handed her another plate to dry, and Trowa winced.

"No." he confessed, turning back to his task. "I don't think I'll ever be."

"Heero thinks I should go with you." She saw him pause with a plate in mid-air, eyes widening lightly before he frowned. "What do you think? Would it be okay? Or would you rather have someone else?"

"There's no one I'd rather have." His eyes bore into hers then, gentle and sad. Relena felt her breath catch in her throat and only when he looked away was she able to resume drying the plates.

"Well, then I'll be honoured to accompany you." She smiled brightly, still warmed up by his words, and his gaze… No one had ever looked at her that way. With so much…emotion.

"But…" Trowa's eyebrows knitted as he turned off the water. "Why does Heero think you should come? Is it because of my sister?"

"To be honest with you…" Relena turned briefly to the closed doors to make sure they would not be overheard then met his puzzled gaze once more. "I think he's afraid."

"Of what? My breaking down?"

She shook her head lightly, though he had hit near the mark. "He's afraid of feelings in general. Afraid of emotions because he doesn't know how to deal with them."

_Dinner had been a loud business with Duo and Wufei bickering and Quatre in the living room, trying to make Khadija stop crying. Relena had taken on the role of host, making sure everyone was served and comfortable before slipping out to help her real host._

_"I don't know what's wrong… Maybe colic?" he asked her with a small weary smile between the baby's hiccups. "That's the only thing I can think of."_

_She nodded with a sympathetic smile. "Do you have a hot water bottle? We should keep her belly warm."_

_"I think I do. Somewhere in the kitchen. Probably in one of the cabinets." Quatre halted on his bouncing then and turned back to her. "Do you think there's anything we can give her? I hate to see her in pain."_

_The hurt look she saw on his face reflected on hers as she shook her head. "I don't know."_

_"Could you ask Trowa for me? He's almost a doctor even if it's not a human doctor."_

_Relena had done as he asked and left him in the nursery with a crying Khadija, a bottle of warm water and a horrified looking Trowa. "I'll be right back. I need to get off these shoes."_

_She had been sitting on the bed, ankles crossed, as she pulled off the high heels she was not even sure why she had brought when Heero called her. His voice came from inside the bedroom where she had least expected him to be and she had to hold her heart in place as she turned to see him standing by the corner like a ghost, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall._

_"God, Heero… You could have killed me." She informed not bothering to hide her irritation. His gaze betrayed nothing though and Relena quickly looked away. She knew that expression, it was the same business face he had worn countless times during their meetings throughout the war. A mission, that was all she was._

_"Trowa's leaving tomorrow."_

_"I know." She answered still annoyed, wondering why he was telling her something he knew she already knew. It wasn't like him._

_"I want you to go with him."_

_Relena turned to look at him agin, her shoes already tucked under the bed and a pair of comfortable slippers on her feet. "I thought you were going with him. Won't he be upset?" she frowned worried about their friend._

_"You are better suited to deal with these…emotional affairs." He grimaced as the words felt foreign in his tongue. Even his tone of voice seemed detached and business like. Relena wondered if it had always been that way and realised they had been talking to each other less and less throughout the years and when they did talk it was mostly about her security arrangements._

_"Okay." She shrugged as she stood up. "I don't mind going if Trowa doesn't mind me coming."_

_"Will you talk to him?" now he sounded almost…hopeful._

"He's right, you know…" Trowa's voice brought her back to the present. "To be afraid."

"Maybe." She agreed as he moved onto his next task: cleaning up counter tops. Life seemed to have left him, at least partially, and yet – she realised – he did not look or feel half as dead as Heero did. "Have you noticed how happy Duo and Wufei look?" Relena allowed herself a small smile at the memory of their friends' never ending bickering.

"You think they look happy? I just thought they were acting odd. I mean…" he paused as he ran ideas over his head, but whatever conclusion he sought seemed to elude him for he ended up merely shaking his head. "It's not that they don't normally test the limits of each other's patience… There's just a different feeling to it. If you say it's happiness then I believe you." Trowa sent a loving smile her way as he finished.

"It looks like they found their loopholes." She let her smile widen at the sight of his. "I hope we find ours soon."

Relena felt his eyes following her as she distributed the now clean dishes in their assigned cabinets and drawers. It was not an intimidating gaze, but strangely comforting and reassuring. She sighed, wondering what it meant and what she should do about her life… How was she supposed to find her own happiness? Where should she start looking?


	6. Chapter 6

Rating has officially gone up! God save us all... Haha Just kidding, people. I've broken the rules before, I admit that, but I intend to stay within the law this time. :P Thanks for your kind reviews and... On with the chapter!

CHAPTER 6

_Heero had not expected Quatre to replay what had happened the night before. After all, the blonde had merely grazed his lips and already made hasty retreat. Could he really be afraid of him? Was he that scary? That threatening? He felt like a living-dead man… Maybe he looked like one as well. Deep down he wanted to replay that kiss though, because it had awakened something inside him… Something he had not even known was there, and he had felt _alive_. That was why he removed his shoes and laid down on his cot exactly like he had done the night before, waiting…_

_Quatre did not fail him. Pilot 04 stood up and claimed a seat on the edge of Heero's bed, this time he had not closed his eyes choosing instead to watch the emotions play on the blonde's face… Embarrassment, uncertainty, excitement… It was almost as if he could feel it himself. Much like the first time, Quatre bent down, and their lips met timidly. Before he could pull away though, Heero's hand was on the back of his head, holding him in place, breathing him in._

_He knew very little about this kind of physical interaction and he had never felt the need to learn more than the basics, it was useless knowledge in a war, or so he had thought. Kindness was not needed in a war, but it was needed at all other times… He had told Quatre that that very afternoon as they played with the dogs at the beach. Wasn't this intimacy just like kindness? Wasn't it important in times of peace?_

_Heero ran his tongue over the blonde's lips and then slowly slipped into his mouth when he gasped in obvious surprise. He raised his upper body slightly as he grew aggressive and, when Quatre moaned inside his mouth, he felt his entire body come to life._

_They pulled away far too soon for his taste, gasping for breath, and when their eyes met they recognised the emotions almost immediately… Lust, desperation and even fear. From that moment on they would repeat the experience every night until they escaped the camp, growing confident and bold, but never daring to cross that invisible line they had wordlessly drawn. They never talked about it. Quatre always understood him without the need for words and Heero loved that. He found no better word to describe how he felt about that trait, as awkward as it made him feel._

Gasping, he opened his eyes… It was the second time in two nights. At least this time there were no crying babies, but his breath was laboured and his heart racing. His obvious arousal made sure to make itself known. The fact that a dream could produce such an effect on him bothered Heero greatly, but he chose not to dwell on it. Instead he turned towards Relena, inching closer, letting his hand run over her back as he nuzzled her neck.

She moaned not in pleasure, but in slight annoyance. "Heero?" her sleepy voice reached his clouded mind just as his hips decided to rub against her backside. He did not bother answering for who else would it be if not him? Instead, he pulled her closer with a groan and nibbled at her neck. "Heero?" Relena insisted. His hand ran frantically over her body, trying to feel everything at once, until she took it in her own and squeezed it. "I have a shuttle to catch early tomorrow morning."

Heero heaved a frustrated sigh and rolled back to his side, dropping his forearm over his eyes. He wanted to correct her – tell her it was already 'tomorrow' – if only to spite her, but he didn't. Even if she gave in to his advances, it wasn't going to work… She could not fulfil him. Not this time.

"I'm sorry." She whispered and he could feel her moving to look at him in the darkness. She sounded genuinely sorry and it made Heero feel guilty.

"It's all right." He assured her though he could not bring his tone to sound as gentle as he wanted. Thankfully, she knew him enough to know he wasn't angry. "Go back to sleep."

Relena gave him a soft smile that he could feel even though he could not see and nodded. "Good night, Heero."

"Hn." He acknowledged her, finally dropping his arm back to his side. For hours he simply lied there, staring at the ceiling, ashamed of himself for acting like a hormone driven teenager. Yet he could not help but crave those feelings that only Quatre had ever been able to evoke in him. He needed to know if it would still be like that, even now after 10 years, or if what he had experienced with the blonde during the war had ended there. Perhaps with Relena gone he would be able to explore his possibilities…

OxOxO

Trowa placed their bags on the backseat and banged the door shut. In 7 hours or so he would be facing his sister and, knowing Catherine, he was in for a very long and torturous tongue lashing. If she did not punch him, like she had done when he had tried to self-destruct… It was actually a good thing Heero wasn't coming with him. Trowa's sister blamed the other pilot for her brother's suicidal ideas which meant she hated Heero with a passion. He wasn't entirely sure how she would react to Relena, _if _he took Relena with him to their confrontation, but he was quite sure it wouldn't be half as bad as if he had taken Wing's former pilot…or Quatre as Heero had suggested. His sister hated Quatre too. Trowa sighed, knowing Catherine's overprotective ways would be the death of him.

"Are you ready to go?" Relena's gentle voice brought him back to the moment. She had a small comforting smile on her lips and her hand was lying on his shoulder.

"Yeah." He sighed again, grateful for her quiet support. If he were Heero, he would have liked nothing more than to run away with her and never come back… A deserted island would be perfect for the two of them to bond with mother nature, enjoy the silence and get to know each other better. Trowa frowned reproachfully at the mental image… It resembled a certain very old Brooke Shields movie far too much.

"Worried?" Quatre approached him wrapped up in a bathrobe and still looking sleepy despite the smile.

"I've got a lot on my mind."

The blonde nodded. "You should go. You wouldn't want to miss your flight." Then he leaned closer and gave Trowa a meaningful look. "We'll discuss that other problem of yours once more when you're back."

He nodded and got in the car before his thoughts strayed again. Their last conversation had not had the most favourable of outcomes… Relena fastened her seatbelt and gave him a nod before returning Quatre's frantic wave. As he pulled out of the garage, Trowa wondered where Heero was and why he had not come down to see them off. Not that he missed seeing his friend kiss his girlfriend goodbye, in fact he was rather glad he did not have to witness the familiarity with which they interacted. He just thought it was…unusual.

"Is Heero alright?" he asked as he sped through the still empty streets of L4, following the GPS in the control panel. They would be at the spaceport in less than ten minutes at this rate.

"Oh? Yes, he just…had a rough night." Relena smiled, though it seemed a little more strained than usual, and waved his concerns away.

"Nightmares again?" Trowa asked softly. She had complained to him once, after she had had an argument with Heero, about his constant nightmares and how he would not trust her with what was in his heart. He had told her to be patient and give Heero space because he would only talk when he was ready. That had been a long time ago… Maybe the time would never come when Heero would feel comfortable enough to spill his guts to her. Trowa knew she had come to that realization herself and it hurt her, yet she seemed unable to let go. Relena was the kind of person who held on to hope.

"He's just been…preoccupied, I think." She shrugged, resigned. He decided not to pry.

With no need to check their compact handbags in, they moved from the parking lot straight to the boarding area where a smiling attendant checked their tickets and ushered them on to the corridor that would lead them to their shuttle. The shuttle was small, with only two rows of double seats and a narrow aisle in between. Their seats were almost at the middle of the long line. Trowa offered Relena the window seat and, cramped between two grumpy businessmen and a young woman with a lousy kid, who insisted on kicking the back of Trowa's seat every five minutes, they prepared for take-off.

"You really don't like children, do you?" she asked suddenly, a funny smile on her lips as he closed his eyes for the umpteenth time in an attempt to stop himself from turning around and choking the little boy.

"Duo says I would like them if they were my own, but I doubt I'll ever have children."

"I used to think like that as well, but after seeing Khadija… To think about what Iria was going to do… I just don't know anymore." She paused for a moment, turning away from her thoughts and back to him. "Do you think Heero would like to have children?"

"I don't know." He saw her turn back to the window with a serious look on her face. Trowa did not want to talk about Heero… He had not lied though, he really did not know the answer to her question. Knowing his friend, he would have guessed 'no', but that was most definitely _not _what Relena wanted to hear.

"Do you know what you're going to tell Catherine once we get there?"

The change of subject did not surprise him. "God, no." he confessed. "I have no idea."

"Would you like to practice on me?" her smile warmed him up from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. How could anyone say 'no' to _that _face? "I could play Catherine."

"Alright." He smiled holding back a chuckle. The moment he started searching for the right words though – under her expecting gaze – he realised it was futile. His mouth was already dry and his heart beat erratic. Trowa could feel himself blush in embarrassment as his mind went blank, but the worst part was… This wasn't even Catherine. This was Relena whom he loved and trusted. Wait. Loved? No, that wasn't right. "I can't."

"It's okay." She assured him, laying a hand on his forearm as he turned away. The Foreign Minister did not give up easily though. He should have known… "I'll go first." Relena straightened her back and cleared her throat as if that would somehow make her look more like his sister whom she had never even seen in pictures. He watched her every move out of the corner of his eye with a mix of expectation and dread. "Oh, Trowa, I missed you so much! Why don't you tell me about your life? How's college?"

"Catherine would never say that." He felt the need to inform her after two completely failed attempts at imagining his sister acting and sounding as affected as Relena seemed to think she did.

The young woman actually chuckled at him. It would have been a laugh if she had not held back. "You were supposed to answer." She remarked, slapping his arm with a feather light hand. He wondered if he was so thin she was actually afraid she might hurt him. That thought was both disturbing and endearing.

"Sorry." He offered when he realised she was still watching him closely. "I really don't think I can do this."

She smiled and shook her head, patting his forearm again. "Would you lend me your shoulder?" Trowa blinked at her confused. "I need a nap. Heero just won't let me sleep these days…"

"Oh…" was all he came up with. Relena took it as a 'yes' and rested her blonde head innocently on his shoulder. He found himself trying not to breathe. What if he disturbed her and she decided the window was more comfortable? He did not want her to leave… She made him feel needed…even wanted. Maybe loving her wouldn't be so bad… There were worst women he could have fallen in love with. All he had to do was keep those feelings to himself and treasure these small moments. He would stay by her side and protect her much like Heero had done before the two of them started dating. As long as he could see her smile, everything would be alright.

OxOxO

Annoyed, frustrated, confused and above all irritated. Those were the words that most closely resembled how he was feeling or that was the conclusion he reached after lying motionless and staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours. Feeling, Heero realised, was just as hard as _not _feeling. Emotions seemed to come, at the very least, in pairs if not in bundles and he had a hard time telling them apart. He really wished they would strike him one at a time. This was far too overwhelming.

He turned to the clock on the bedside table. Relena and Trowa should already be on their way to L3. When she left, he had been childishly – he admitted if only to himself – pretending to sleep. Her refusal had stung, though he had hid it successfully at the time, and the dream… Just the thought of it still bothered him greatly. What was he supposed to do? Trowa seemed to think he should indulge himself in reminiscences, but what purpose would it serve? Heero preferred to stay in the present and – at the moment – there were only two things that he knew for certain… His body wanted Quatre and Relena was not around. If that thought was any indication, his mind wanted this just as bad.

Emotions were easy to follow when you did not have any, but it did not seem difficult to follow them now that they were actually there either. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and pushed himself up. From what he had heard of coming and going footsteps Duo and Wufei were still not up and the blonde was in the nursery again. He did not want to bother him there and, since he was not completely sure of his chosen course of action, he figured a cup of coffee would be enough for the moment.

Impulsive. Yes, _that _was how he was feeling, he concluded as he watched the coffee maker work its magic. It made him strangely satisfied, knowing that he would finally be able to live up to the advice he had given Trowa during the war. He was also a lot closer to solving the puzzle that was Heero Yuy, ordinary man, civilian. No longer a soldier or a gundam pilot and, most definitely, not perfect. Perfection, he had realised, was a very arbitrary concept. What he considered perfect was different than what Trowa considered perfect which was different than what Relena considered perfect and so on… Perfection was unattainable. It was that little revelation that had lifted a heavy weight off his shoulders. It had also left him objectiveless and empty though and that was when his problems had started. If he could not strive for perfection and protecting the Foreign Minister could not make him feel purposeful enough… Then what?

Drugs had not worked either and he had tried a wide variety of those… Apparently, to be near Quatre was all he had needed. It was disturbing and exhilarating. What they had shared during the war had been a taste of something much more promising. Perhaps that was why Trowa wanted him to dwell in the past, so he could realise that he had found the answer to his questions even before he had come up with the questions themselves. How foolish had he really been? How much time had they wasted?

The constant object of his thoughts appeared at the doorway then, looking tired after another sleepless night. "You made coffee." Quatre stated gratefully and smiled in relief as he moved to pour himself a mug.

Heero watched from the isle where he had taken a seat. The blonde had said he still thought about their time together. A time they had never really talked about. What did that mean? Could he possibly want him too? He supposed there was only one way to find out…

Two long strides was what it took him to be standing a foot away from the startled Quatre, who had just turned around, expecting to find Heero still sitting at the isle. As the blonde watched him, frozen on the spot, Heero took the mug off his hands and placed it carefully on the counter behind them. His eyes left Quatre's for a fraction of a second, but that was clearly not enough to break the trance the blonde seemed to be in. He was waiting, Heero could see, with a mix of expectation and doubt. Why should he doubt Heero's intentions? Had he not proved himself trustworthy? Maybe it was not a matter of trust… Maybe it was himself he was doubting.

It did not really matter.

All that mattered was that he wasn't afraid. He wasn't running away. Quatre was simply standing there – waiting – and Heero seized the opportunity to claim those partially open lips with his as his hands found the countertop, trapping the blonde between his outstretched arms. He did not need to. Quatre's hands dug in his hair as he deepened the kiss with a barely constricted moan. Heero complied, stepping further into the other man's space as he pressed their bodies against one another and the counter. His arms encircled the blonde's waist, preventing the hard edge of the countertop from digging into his back.

His hands twitched, eager to start roaming, and that was when they heard it… A high pitched cry broke their trance. Quatre pulled away, looking horrified and panting. Heero wanted to use the silence to say something, but his mind was blank. He watched the blonde shake his head as if in denial, as if he could not come to terms with what had just happened. Then he pushed Heero's arm away and was gone to heed Khadija's insistent cries.

Should he follow? What was he supposed to do? He was at a loss… Did that mean Quatre did not really want him? Had his reaction to the kiss been instinctive? Hormone induced? He did not think so. The CEO of Winner Enterprises was not the kind of man who shared intimacy with just anyone… As far as Heero knew, those other two men - Jeremy and Latif – were the only ones Quatre had been with besides him. No, this situation required further exploration. He needed more data.

Wufei walked in as he seized the mug he had taken from the blonde. He was not coming from the corridor though, but from the dining room. It was his way of letting Heero know he had been a silent witness to what had just transpired. He met Wufei's eyes, unfazed, and emptied the mug in a single draught. "I've been covering for you, Chang." He reminded the other man, his glare every bit as cold as it once used to be. "You cover for me."

"I hope you know what you're doing, Yuy." The Chinese man shook his head almost imperceptibly as he walked past Heero and out through the other door.

"I hope so too."


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

Scary. That would be the first word to come to Relena's mind if someone asked her to describe Catherine Bloom at that moment. The red haired woman had seen them approaching through the window as they made their way past motor homes and cages, Trowa greeting people as they went, and had run to the door with a smile. The smile did not last long, however, when she noticed the state her younger brother was in, it melted into a frown. A very angry, very frightening frown.

Relena could see Trowa swallow nervously beside her. She took his hand for a moment and gave it a reassuring squeeze, making him turn his head to look at her. He seemed confused, as if he had forgotten about her presence. 'I'm here for you' and 'It's going to be all right' were the messages her eyes and smile tried to convey. He seemed to understand for he nodded briefly, forcing a smile to his face as they reached Catherine's trailer.

"Why didn't you tell me you were sick?" were her first words. She was angry, but also upset. Relena noticed the tears that started gathering in her eyes, and Trowa flinched.

"I'm not sick, sister." He corrected her calmly, but Catherine did not look satisfied. She blinked back the tears and waited, her hands on her hips. "I just had a bad phase." Trowa did not want to elaborate, Relena could see as much.

"Hi." She interrupted, offering her hand and a pacifying smile to the other woman. "I'm Relena Darlian."

Slightly taken aback, Catherine's meaningful gaze lingered on her brother a moment longer, then she took the offered hand. "The Foreign Minister, right? I'm Catherine Bloom."

"Pleased to meet you."

"Likewise." The red haired woman did not return the smile, but Relena was grateful she did not glare either. "Shall we?" she asked motioning them into her home.

The space was very limited. There was a small bathroom to the left as soon as you stepped inside, straight ahead there was a nearly improvised kitchen and to the right a television, a loveseat, a coffee table and the 'bedroom'. Relena sat beside Trowa on the loveseat while Catherine pulled herself a portable chair from behind the door and placed it by the television, facing her uninvited guests.

"Would you like some coffee? Tea? Water?" she asked out of obligation.

"Coffee would be nice." Trowa said forcing out a smile.

"I'm good. Thank you." Relena dismissed the offer, hoping to get rid of the other woman's cold gaze as soon as possible. She could sense Catherine was displeased about her presence… Earlier, when they were renting a car at the spaceport, she had offered to wait in the vehicle, but Trowa had insisted he needed her there. He was probably right… By the look on his sister's face, if the blonde woman had not been present, Trowa would have already been grilled.

It did not take more than a minute for their host to be back with two cups of coffee. She handed one to her brother and held onto the other as she took her seat. "So… A bad phase, huh?" Catherine sounded calmer now, but there was also a touch of bitterness to her voice. Relena wondered if Trowa had heard it too… His sister obviously wished he would trust her more, share his life with her.

"Really bad." He smiled sadly, hiding his discomfort by sipping his coffee.

"How's college?" was the following question and the red haired woman's voice took a more cheerful tone. She even smiled somewhat hopefully. Relena felt really sorry for Trowa at that moment. She wanted to take his hand again like she had done earlier, but a gesture that had felt so natural before… In front of Catherine would look…suspicious. The blonde woman frowned wondering why that was.

Trowa avoided his sister's gaze for as long as he could, but just when he seemed to have gathered enough courage to speak she beat him to it. "Janelle's dog is sick. She told me just yesterday. I said you would be here today and that, if you were willing, I would send you to take a look."

"Catherine…" he shook his head, his tone almost pleading. She sounded so proud of him. Relena could see how much it hurt him now… Why he thought he had disappointed them… There was so much expectation, and he just didn't want to hurt his only sister. "I…"

"If you go now you should be able to catch her home."

Defeated, he nodded and conjured up a mirthless smile. "I'll be right back." He told Relena before abandoning his cup of coffee and walking out of the trailer.

The blonde woman turned to her remaining companion with uneasiness. She had handled plenty difficult adversaries throughout her political career, but the way Catherine's grey eyes roamed carefully over her promised a completely new challenge. "What are you doing with my brother?" she went straight to the point, thankfully stopping the Foreign Minister from openly fidgeting.

"Trowa's my friend." Relena retorted. She could not help, but feel offended at the other woman's insinuating tone.

"Right."

"You don't believe me."

"I've seen the way you look at each other. I'm not stupid." The way they looked at each other? What did she mean? Was she really insinuating they were lovers? "You're his boss too, right?" Catherine continued. "I thought you had a fiancé."

"Boyfriend." The blonde corrected still unsure how she should respond to the other's accusations. Where were they even going with this?

"Does he know about you and my brother?"

"There's nothing between me and your brother." Relena had to make quite an effort to keep her tone level. This woman was getting very deep on her nerves, very quickly. It would not do for a politician of her status to end up involved in a cat fight, but she sort of wanted to… "I care a lot about him _as a friend _and am here to support him. That's all there is."

"It's a secret then." Catherine concluded, apparently not listening to a word the blonde had just said. "Listen here, Ms. Darlian… If you hurt my brother…" her grey eyes narrowed dangerously, and Relena immediately remembered that the red haired woman was a knife thrower. One of the best, according to Trowa. It did not bode well for her… "There'll be hell to pay. Do you understand?"

"I understand."

"Good."

A heavy silence fell between them then and Relena claimed Trowa's abandoned coffee as her own if only to give herself something to do. If Catherine saw that as another proof of their romantic involvement, she did not know and did not care. The red haired woman would assume whatever she wanted regardless of what the blonde said or did.

It was an awfully long time before Trowa came back, but Relena refused to break the silence. The two women seemed to either glare or ignore each other as they waited, and the tension grew so thick a knife could have cut through it. They practically jumped out of their seats when the welcoming sound of familiar footsteps broke their bubble.

Trowa eyed them warily before returning his boss' forced smile and reclaiming his seat. He cleared his throat awkwardly, but did not complain about Relena stealing his coffee. "Catherine, the reason I have come here is to tell you that I…" there was a pause. The blonde bit her lip afraid he would lose his focus. Thankfully, Catherine did not interrupt. She merely watched him patiently. Relena noticed she did not even look curious, probably believing she already knew what he would say. As if he would travel all the way there to tell her he was having an affair… "I dropped out."

"What?" the red haired frowned confused.

"I dropped out of college."

"You did what?" her eyes widened incredulously. "Why?"

"I… I had to. I'm sorry." At this point he looked away no longer able to sustain her gaze. "I didn't fit in, Cathy. It wasn't right."

"But you were almost done… Couldn't you have at least gotten your degree?" she was nearly pleading. Relena did not blame her, but it made her angry. Couldn't she see Trowa blamed himself enough already? Would Catherine have hell to pay for hurting her own brother? The Foreign Minister thought it would be only fair if she did.

"I know… I tried, but I just couldn't do it anymore." He shook his head sadly and apologized yet again.

"God, Trowa…" she stood, abandoning her cup on the coffee table then wringing her hands as she made her way to the kitchen, fighting back tears. When she turned back to them her eyes were red, but she seemed to have herself back under control. "Could we…" she cleared her throat. "Could we speak in private? Please?"

The last word was added as an afterthought, but Relena was already surprised she had even bothered to ask. She gave Trowa a reassuring smile. "I'll go take a look around."

"Thank you." He nodded, and she left them alone.

She did not feel good about leaving Trowa, but she knew the hardest part was done with and he was hardly in danger under his overprotective sister's watch. They had private things to discuss, Relena understood, still she wanted to be there with him.

As she strolled around the camp, she thought about Heero and wondered what he was doing. Did she want to be there with him? No, certainly not. He had been driving her insane… Growing colder and distant, keeping secrets… She did not need that in her life, she had enough worries as it was. Maybe it was time to end things between them. Time to go back to being 'just friends'.

Relena was both happy and scared to realise that the thought of breaking up with Heero did not bother her at all. What would she do then? Move back to her apartment surely… Not that she had taken _that _many things to the boys' place. Heero spent the night at her place just as often as she did at his. Which reminded her… She would have to ask him back for the keys she had given him or maybe change the lock. No, she could do neither. He was her bodyguard after all and he might need the copies in case there was an emergency.

"God, how I wished I did not need bodyguards…" she sighed as she paused in front of a cage where a big lioness slept soundly. The feline opened an eye at Relena's complaint, but did not seem touched by the young woman's predicament.

"That's Ayo." Trowa's voice startled her. "Sorry."

"I'm used to it." She waved it off, remembering the countless times Heero had snuck up on her. He did it on purpose, she was sure of it. "You were fast."

He shrugged. "Not much to say, I guess."

She could sense he did not want to talk about it. At least not yet. "Ayo. That's a pretty name."

"Means 'joy' in Western African." Trowa gave the lioness one of his rarest smiles. Relena admired the tenderness she could see in his eyes. She had always known he had a big and beautiful heart, but he rarely showed it to anyone. He kept it locked tight, and she suspected Kate had something to do with it. The girl had to be blind…or stupid.

"Trowa? May I ask you a question? It's about Kate."

"Go on." He said simply, not meeting her eyes as he crouched to pet Ayo as if she were a harmless kitten.

Torn between worrying about him losing a limb and formulating her question, Relena hesitated. It was only when he glanced curiously at her over his shoulder that she snapped out of her trance. He always made her feel so…young and naïve. "Why do you think it didn't work out between you? You said something about her family being religious once…"

"Well… Not as much religious as conservative, I guess." Trowa stood up, meeting her gaze. The topic did not seem to upset him, and she was relieved. "It is no secret that I was an Oz soldier at a certain point even thought I was truly undercover… Kate's family, they are pacifists. Radical ones. They would not want their daughter anywhere near a former soldier, but I'm still not sure that _is _the reason we didn't work out. Sometimes I think it's just an excuse I made up because I needed a logical reason, an answer… It was the only way I could accept that I had no chance and effectively move on."

Relena nodded quietly. She understood what he meant for she was quite sure she had created excuses to help herself move on countless times as well. They were only human after all. "Would you like to go out for dinner…and a drink?"

He raised his eyebrows at her, looking amused. Then his eyes moved down to the lighter he had been turning around in his hand and Relena could see he had read her intentions. She really didn't want him to smoke, she wanted to share a meal and a couple of drinks with him and, hopefully, he would open up to her. Now that Trowa had deduced her plans, she wondered what his answer would be.

"The hotel where we're staying has a very good restaurant." He said, and the lighter went back to the pocket of his jeans. She returned his smile with one of her own.

OxOxO

_Heero had come to him that first night in Sanc… Relena had brought it up, she had asked about Trowa, said he was considered MIA since the battle with Wing Zero. Quatre did not blame her, she could not really know what had truly happened there, and she had given him hope. She too believed gundam Heavyarms' pilot was alive and she was using her power and influence to search for him. Still, it hurt. He hurt, and Heero knew. Quatre wasn't entirely sure how, but he did._

_The blonde knew the other would come, but he had locked the door anyway… He wanted to see how far Heero was willing to go, how much he wanted to be with him. It took him less than 10 seconds to pick the lock with hardly a sound, and Quatre forgot all thoughts about Trowa the moment their eyes met and his heart decided to start doing some crazy dance. He had not really expected this to continue… Not after they left the camp and, especially not in Sanc, under Relena's nose and with so many girls around. Surely Heero would rather kiss one of them?_

_Quatre sat on the bed, waiting… He watched the other youth take a seat beside him and realised they fit rather comfortably on the single sized mattress. When Heero's mouth sought his he did not hesitate, meeting the other's lips already open mouthed and demanding. There was no need to be chaste about it now… At that point, they knew each other's mouths as well as they knew their own._

_Heero's hand accidentally brushed over his nipple and he moaned. It was the most wanton sound he had ever emitted, one he had not even known he was capable of producing, and they both pulled away. For a long moment, they stared at each other, panting… Afraid to cross the boundaries they had not discussed, but had still imposed. When he finally snapped out of it, he took Heero's hand, which remained paralyzed where it had stopped after flinching away from him, and led it to the place where he wanted it the most. Even over the pyjamas he wore to bed, the touch felt otherworldly and he could not help, but to continue making those embarrassing mewling sounds as he busied himself unbuttoning the other youth's uniform shirt. The tie was already gone… Heero must have left it in his own bedroom._

_Though he wanted to feel his teammate's skin under his fingers he was suddenly hesitant… The other pilot always seemed to have a wall of reserve around him and Quatre was not sure Heero would be happy if it was breached. Apparently, he did not have such a wall himself for the other's hand had snuck into his pants before he could realise what was happening. If he was mewling before, now he had to bite his finger lest he be heard by his bedroom neighbours._

_Heero kissed him again, hungrily. Quatre could barely think… The other pilot, who seemed to have read his earlier hesitation, unzipped his own trousers and led the blonde's hand to him. He broke the kiss for a second to let out a groan of approval. It was Quatre's undoing. This wasn't just anyone he was touching so intimately… This was Heero Yuy._

_They watched the soiled sheets and clothes for a long time as they regained their breaths, hoping they would somehow magically wash themselves. The blonde sighed, knowing he would have to do the cleaning himself. The next time he would wait already naked, then at least his pyjamas would be spared. That thought still made him blush 10 years later._

_"Sleep in my bedroom tonight." Heero said simply, no emotion in his voice. Quatre moved to his teammate's bedroom then and what was supposed to be a one night arrangement turned into a permanent thing._

"What am I going to do?" he asked Khadija's angelic face as he bounced with the baby around the nursery. She started crying again, and Quatre had to blink back his own tears. He had known he wanted Heero, he had told Trowa as much, but now he realised just how much he actually needed him. Not wanted… _needed. _"When did this happen?"

"Quat'?" Duo peeked in and his smile turned sympathetic the moment he saw the distressed, almost desperate, look on the blonde's face. "Can't catch a break, can ya'?"

Quatre was relieved to realise it was Khadija his friend was talking about. "I'm sorry… Did she wake you up?"

"Naw!" Deathscythe's former pilot waved a hand dismissively as he stepped all the way inside. "'Fei woke me up… The bastard. Oh, sorry, 'Dija. You shouldn't learn those kinds of words…yet."

The blonde's glare regained its intensity at that. Thankfully, for Duo, Quatre's glares rarely lasted more than a few seconds. "I don't know why she's being so difficult…" he complained in what nearly sounded like a whine.

"You're tired." That was only part of it, but the blonde did not feel like enlightening his friend. He also felt irritable and had to bite back a rude remark at the obvious observation. "Let me see if I can get her to calm down?"

Duo was surprised at how easily Quatre handed him the now wailing baby, but he was also seemed pleased at the amount of trust he was receiving. It was important that the blonde did not grow overprotective or he might end up suffocating Khadija as she grew up.

"Thank you, Duo." He said before he walked out and, though preoccupied, his smile was genuinely grateful. "I'll see if I can order something for lunch… I don't really feel like cooking today."

"Don't fret. We'll be fine. Just go get some rest and we'll grab lunch later."

"Thank you." Quatre repeated. He had been starting to regret having invited all his friends at once, but suddenly he felt…blessed. Yes, there was no other word for it.

With a sigh, he stepped out and went in search of Heero. He would not be able to rest before he had sorted out what had happened earlier and _why _it had happened. Iria would have wanted him to face his troubles and deal with them logically like the businessman he was. Though lately he had been wondering about his job as well… What if he did give up on it to pursue his dream of being a chef? How would a chef deal with a situation like this? Surely they were allowed to be more passionate than businessmen. They _had _to be.

He found Heero in the terrace, leaning over the railing and staring thoughtfully at the city below. Quatre could feel his weariness or was it his own? Could he be as troubled as the blonde about what had happened? Maybe even more so? After all, he had Relena…and he _had _said he no longer thought about _them_, about what had happened… If so, then what could have motivated that kiss? Did he want to know?

"Why?" he asked, locking the glass door behind him.

"Why what?" Heero did not even turn to look at him.

"Why did you kiss me?" Quatre demanded irritated, and the other man finally turned around to meet his gaze.

"Because I wanted to."

Had Heero been this impulsive during the war? When had he become the 'I-do-what-I-want-when-I-want' kind of guy? "Why?" the blonde repeated. "Why did you want to?"

"Because I want _you_." The conviction in his eyes made Quatre shiver delightfully, but he somehow managed to hold himself together.

"Why do you want me?" he insisted. The answers he was receiving just weren't good enough.

"Because you make me _feel_." Heero took a step forward as he spoke. He seemed unable to convey the intensity of those feelings, and Quatre could sense how it distressed him. "You make me feel so many different emotions, sometimes I wonder if they are even my own."

So that was it… The blonde had always felt Heero's emotions, but the thought that the other man might be able to feel his as well had never crossed his mind… It was Quatre's emotions that he was feeling and they were confusing him. "Heero…" he sighed and forced a small smile onto his face, though he was relieved he was also…disappointed. "I think these emotions you've been feeling… I think they might be mine."

Instead of being surprised like Quatre had expected him to be, Heero raised an eyebrow. "And?" he asked.

"What do you mean 'and'?"

"What does it matter whether the emotions are yours or mine?"

"Of course, it matters! How would you feel if you discovered Relena's with you because _you _are in love with _her_ and not because _she _is in love with _you_?"

"I'm not."

"What?"

"In love with her."

Quatre gasped. What else could he do? Heero was so… He made everything seem so… Irrelevant. "Why… Why are you with her then?"

He shrugged. "I did not know you had to be in love with someone to be with them…"

Apparently not, the blonde mused. "Does she know? You think she would still be with you if she knew you don't love her?"

"Why would she assume I loved her?" he frowned. "I never told her I did."

"Because it's implicit." Quatre was feeling frustrated all of a sudden. He knew Heero wasn't an expert when it came to relationships and feelings and the like, but he had never thought he could be this clueless either… Or was it just callousness? Could he actually feel guilty for not loving Relena and be using those excuses to relieve his conscience? That would give the situation a whole new perspective… "Why don't you love her? I mean… Why do you _think _you don't love her? Is it because she's a…"

"A woman? No, that's not it."

"Have there been other…men? After me, I mean." He was blushing and he did not know why… Was he ashamed of being not only worried about his friend, but also maddeningly curious?

"No, I don't really like men." Came the serious answer. As if Heero gave any other kind.

The blonde gapped, then frowned. "What's _that _supposed to mean? Do you think I look like a woman? Do you think of me as a woman?"

His anger seemed to catch Heero off guard for the former pilot 01 frowned. "You misunderstand."

"Do I?"

"_You _are the only man I've ever been interested in. You are the exception."

Quatre's frown deepened. It was flattering and oddly romantic…for Heero anyway, but he still wasn't buying it. "So it's a blonde green-blue eyed pacifist thing?" He could practically see the other man roll his eyes. "Okay, I get it… I make you _feel_. Another exception, I suppose…"

"Why are you being so…" Heero shook his head, clearly frustrated.

"So what?"

"Difficult?"

"Because I want _you _to love _me _because _you_ love _me _and not just because _I _love _you_." He waved his arms exasperatedly, hoping he did not sound as crazy out loud as he did in his head.

"You love me?" somehow Heero still managed to look poker faced as he asked that.

"Was that all you got from what I just said? No, of course I don't. I was just… I was being hypothetical." Quatre fought back a blush at his misstep. The worst part of it though was that he wasn't entirely sure himself how he felt about his fellow ex-pilot.

"I don't know how to do that." Heero said after a while.

"Do what?"

"Separate your feelings from mine."

The blonde sighed. At least of one thing he was sure… His friend did not love Relena. Would he be willing to break with her though? He wasn't so sure. It was easier said than done, but then again… That _was _Heero Yuy and if their confrontation had proven anything it was that the perfect soldier had a very unique approach when it came to relationships.

"Maybe we should keep our distance and, with time, you might be able to assess your own feelings without my acting as a beacon or a bridge or whatever it is I do." Wing's former pilot did not look pleased, but he did not say anything either. Quatre wanted to touch him…kiss him… No, he wanted to do much more than that. He quickly unlocked the door and stepped inside. "I need… I should… I'll just go."

He nearly tripped before he realised he was walking backwards, unable to break Heero's gaze. If he was being difficult then the brown haired man was being just as much so. The blonde forced himself to turn around and strolled back to his bedroom. A 15 minute nap would do him good if he could stop Heero's words from echoing inside his head… Hopefully, Duo would survive until then.


	8. Chapter 8

This chapter was a major pain in the ass. That it was. XP But I made it through! \o/ There were at least three different versions by then though... It feels like time traveling. You go back to the past and change the outcome of things. Hahaha The little pleasures of writting.

CHAPTER 8

"I'm sorry I didn't book two separate rooms…" Trowa hid a blush as he fumbled with the key card to their hotel room. "I thought I was coming with Heero." He explained, feeling guilty for not feeling guilty. He _wanted _to share the room with Relena. Catherine had given him a lot to think about, but he did not want to do it. Not at the moment. So he could use the company. There was also the fact that he loved her, but that was just another subject he did not wish to dwell on.

"It's all right, Trowa." She smiled reassuringly and touched his shoulder. Two glasses of wine had been enough to give her cheeks a healthy shade of pink and make her giggly. The warmth in her eyes made his blush deepen, but then he could always blame the one glass of vodka he had sipped. He finally pushed the door open and ushered her inside before her burning hot hand could scorch his shoulder any longer. "We're friends."

"Yes… Friends." He muttered, watching her trip as she took off her shoes on her way to one of the beds.

"Did you bring your flute?" Relena asked innocently, turning to look at him, but – the moment she realised what she had said – she started giggling. Trowa did not blush. In fact, he did not even blink. Was she flirting with him? No, she could not be. That wasn't even a pick up line that made sense. "I'm sorry." She shook her head, smiling apologetically. "I just felt like hearing you play."

He shook his head, dismissing her apology with a small smile of his own. "I didn't bring it. I'm sorry."

"No, _I'm _sorry. I really can't hold my liquor… I think I'll take a shower… See if it clears my head." Relena chuckled and her blush deepened.

Realising that he was still standing at the door Trowa hurriedly moved further into the room, giving the young woman her handbag and receiving a 'thanks' and a bright smile in return. He then sat on the other bed, abandoning his own bag beside him, as he watched her gather the things she would be needing for her shower. She moved with the ease and practice of one who had been traveling her entire life, humming some unknown tune under her breath. Trowa wanted to stand up, cross the short distance that separated their beds and hug her. He wanted to crush her body against his and bury his face in the crook of her neck. It was something he had never done before but somehow knew would calm the thoughts swirling in his head. The thought of inhaling the scent of her hair, her skin… His hands would slide underneath the blouse she wore and upwards until he could feel more of her, pull her even closer to him. A need so strong awoke inside him he had to turn back to his thoughts of his sister before the evidence of his feelings became visible.

_"What are you doing with that woman?" Catherine's gaze turned accusatory as soon as Relena was gone. He could feel it burning holes in his forehead._

_"She's a friend." He answered automatically. "She came to offer moral support."_

_His sister's eyes narrowed and he could see she did not buy it, thankfully, she did not pursue the subject. "That won't matter anymore once you move back in here."_

_Trowa's eyes widened for a second, then narrowed as he frowned. "What do you mean?"_

_"Isn't it obvious?" Catherine asked rather impatiently, but decided to offer an explanation when he did no more than stare at her. "You moved out because of college, so…now, that you've dropped out, you can come back home." She said, finally allowing her hopefulness to show._

_"What about my job?" his frown deepened and he nearly abandoned his seat at the thought of leaving Relena's employment. _

_"You took that job so you could pay for tuition…" Catherine sounded confused, as if he were supposed to have followed her line of thought as if it were right there in front of him. "You can work at the circus again, Trowa. I know we do not earn much, but it's enough to survive… Besides, you would never feel out of place here. We're like family and everyone would be thrilled to have you back."_

_He sighed as he melted back on his seat, feeling somewhat defeated. Catherine was right, of course, but he still did not want to leave Relena…or Heero for that matter. Heero was his best friend, someone he could be honest with, someone who actually needed and listened to his advice, someone who helped him straighten his thoughts. Yes, he needed to consult his friend about this. And Relena… Relena was… Well… Relena. "I need to think about this." He told his sister._

_"Think about Ayo." she urged him, seeming rather desperate to have him confirm he would be coming back. "And Darshana and Jaya and Kumbukani and…"_

_"Catherine." Trowa interrupted somewhat sternly, trying to ignore the ache he felt at the thought of all his non-human companions… This was his family, his home… He felt his heart tear. "I __need__ to __think_._"_

_"Fine." She crossed her arms in obvious irritation and that was the end of their conversation._

Sighing, he turned his thoughts away from his sister and back to the matter at hand. He had thought for a second there that the decision would be easy… It was only logical for him to return to L3 and to the circus, but the thought of leaving Earth… The colonies reminded him of the war, of who and what he used to be. Trowa often wished he was still that person, he often wished things still were as easy as they had seemed during the war when all he needed to care about was completing his next mission. Even so, to think about living permanently in a colony was…suffocating. There was no better word for it and then there was Relena… How could he possibly live without her now that he had admitted – if only to himself – that he did love her? He needed to be close to her, to see her smile and hear her laughter even if only as friend. Or would it be better if he stayed away from her? Would that ease his suffering in the long run? Quench his unwanted feelings? He buried his face in his hands, hoping his brain would just stop going on and on. Why was he even thinking about such things? Hadn't he already concluded that moving back to L3 was the logical thing to do? What else did he need?

When Relena's hand fell on his shoulder he nearly jumped out of his skin. "I'm sorry." She said, startled by his reaction. Her hand remained on him though. He stared at it painfully as he shook his head, dismissing her apology. They had been apologizing far too much, he realised. It was getting awkward. "Are you alright?" she asked quietly and he had to look away to avoid seeing the concern in her eyes. It broke his heart. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Trowa half-sighed half-growled in frustration and ran his hands through his hair. He did want to talk to her, he did trust her enough after all, but… How could he? She was a major part of his problems. "Yes…and no." he smiled sadly at her.

Relena smiled back and moved to sit against the headboard with her legs folded underneath her. He could feel her eyes on him, he had noticed something different about the way she looked at him… Ever since they had left the circus' grounds, she seemed to be watching him more closely, analysing him as if she were waiting or searching for something. Did she expect him to just break down? That was, apparently, what Heero had expected would happen and why he had sent her in his stead. Trowa wondered if he really looked _that _fragile.

"I envy you." She said suddenly, thoughtfully, making him turn to her with raised eyebrows. It quickly turned into a frown though.

"Why would you envy me?" he questioned confused.

She smiled somewhat jubilantly. Trowa supposed it was because he was not easily caught off guard and she knew, so it pleased her to surprise him. "Because you had the courage to look at your life, accept that it wasn't what you wanted and do whatever you needed to try and change it."

He turned away, smiling sadly. "I'm still not sure what I want to do next though… I know I need to do _something_, but…" a sigh and a shrug resumed what he felt and thought, which was basically desperation and nothing, respectively. "I wonder if all this will be worth it… All the pain I've caused and the disappointment… I feel ashamed of myself for giving up… I don't know… I guess I thought it would make me happy, but all I seem to have done is exchange a problem for another, which makes me feel stupid, like I caused all this suffering for nothing." He shook his head the moment he realised he had been babbling. It was probably the alcohol… He did not want to blame himself for looking the fool in front of Relena too. "I never meant to be selfish."

"You're a good man, Trowa. You've done nothing wrong." She sounded serious, certain. He tried to laugh dismissively, to pretend it did not matter, but found himself choking back tears. Horrified, he turned even further away from her. "Come here." Relena half-ordered half-asked. There was no pity in her voice only understanding and patience.

Unsure of what she intended exactly, he avoided her gaze as he crawled over the short distance separating them and waited. She pulled him down so his head was on her lap and ran her fingers through his hair. It was bliss. Her touch, her smell, her warmth… It was what he had always wanted yet never known and yet, despite his inner happiness, he found silent tears running down the side of his nose to fall on Relena's thigh. He was mortified, but the more he tried to stop them the more his jaw quivered.

"I'm sorry." He was barely able to whisper afraid his voice would get caught in his throat.

"It's all right." She whispered, her hands still in his hair. She sounded relived, almost…content. Trowa felt himself slowly relax. He could have slept there in her arms, he actually wanted to, but he was quite sure he had made himself enough of a fool for one day. There was also a small part of him that wanted to tell her how he felt, to unburden completely. He amused himself by imagining her reaction… Would she tell him she loved him back? No, she loved Heero. Would she be disgusted and accuse him of taking advantage of her kind heart? No, Relena was not like that. Would she be surprised? Maybe nervous and awkward around him? Probably. She would never touch him again, afraid she might be leading him on…

"Thank you." He whispered instead, hoping she would be there when he needed her again.

"No…" Trowa felt her body shake lightly as she moved her head in the negative. "Thank _you_. I've spent the last few months wondering if I should run for president and when I decided against it… When I realised that was the least thing I wanted, I was afraid… I still had not figured out what it meant, but now I do. I want to quit politics and go to college."

Trowa let out a breath he had not realised he'd been holding. He wanted to look her in the eyes, but he had the feeling her hands would stop caressing his hair if he moved. The wishful smile he heard in her voice would have to suffice. "What will you study?"

"Oh, I don't know." She shrugged. "Law? Maybe medicine? Or administration? No, I should just hire Quatre for that." Relena chuckled then sighed. "Or maybe I won't go to college at all. There is so much I can do… So many possibilities… I can barely wait 'til my term's over."

"I'm glad." He whispered, smiling sleepily though she could not see it. "I'll miss watching your speeches though."

"You will?" her hands paused, and Trowa could nearly see her curious look as she stared at the back of his head. "Why?"

"I always thought you looked really hot as you stood there all confident and determined."

All traces of sleepiness disappeared as soon as he realised what he had just said. He tensed and his eyes widened, but he did not move, waiting for her to push him away and scold him. Instead, Relena giggled. "I think I'll keep my business suits then."

"Hn." Trowa agreed, thankful that she could not see him blush. He had to hold back a sigh when she resumed her ministrations.

"Thank you though." She whispered seriously after some time. "Heero never says such things… I had forgotten how nice it is to hear a compliment."

His throat tightened at the mention of his friend and Trowa recognised guilt immediately. He pulled away reluctantly and forced himself to smile as he met her eyes. "You're welcome." Relena seemed about to say something. Her hands still hovered above the spot where his head had been moments earlier. "I think I need a shower." He said hurriedly and started making his way to the bathroom. He did not really want to hear what she had to say.

OxOxO

He lifted his eyes off the book he'd been reading – or trying to – for the last half hour. Khadija was crying again and Duo and Wufei seemed about to escape. Heero did not blame them, it had been a tiring and noisy day and even his own iron nerves were beginning to rust. There was a growing part of him that wanted to go check on Quatre and offer some help even though he knew close to nothing about babies, but the blonde's earlier words still rang in his head. His little stunt, which he had believed would solve all his problems and answer all his questions, had only succeeded in leaving him at odds with Quatre and making him second guess himself. In short, he had made matters worse…and he had no idea how to make amends. He supposed respecting the blonde's wishes and keeping his distance was the best he could do for the moment.

"Would you like to come?" Duo stood somewhere between the sofa and the entryway that led into the hall with the Chinese man in tow. Heero ran his eyes over their dress shirts and suit pants.

"No." he said, raising the book as a shield from further conversation. The tactic never worked on Duo, but this one time it would have, if only Quatre had not walked in bouncing the unforgiving Khadija rather desperately.

"Where are you going?" he asked, and Heero lowered the book again with a frown. Something needed to be done before the blonde had a nervous breakdown.

"We're going to meet a couple friends of mine at this new club, maybe pick up a few chicks… I'd invite ya', you know, but I don't think you'd leave 'Dija to go clubbing…" the braided man shrugged, smiling half sheepishly half guiltily as he scratched the underside of his nose with the back of a finger.

"Chicks? I thought you said you were dating." As soon as the words had left his mouth, Quatre's eyes widened and he apologized profusely. Wufei was staring at the braided man with something akin to scepticism.

"It's okay, Quat'. I'd have to tell everyone eventually…" Duo stepped closer and patted the blonde on the shoulder as he continued bouncing. Now that the motion seemed to have started to work, he did not seem likely to stop. "It is an open relationship."

Heero put away his book and raised an eyebrow at Wufei's horrified expression. The whole spectacle was turning out to be a lot more interesting than he had expected. Quatre just stood there, bouncing and blinking as if the concept of an open relationship completely slipped his mind. "I'm sorry, Duo." He said finally, repeating his earlier apology as he shook his head and forced a smile to his lips. "Just be careful and have fun."

"We'll be back soon. Promise. And we'll look for a suitable baby sitter while we're at it." Duo blinked as they turned to leave.

"I doubt we'll find a _suitable _baby sitter in a night club, Maxwell." His taciturn clubbing companion made sure to inform him.

"Who knows?"

As their voices trailed off into the elevator, Quatre turned to Heero as if he had only now noticed his presence. "You're not going?" he asked softly, the quarrel between them apparently forgotten.

"I'm driving you to the hospital." Surprised at his own calm, he stood up intent on heading to the bedroom to put away his book.

"Why would I need to go to the hospital?" the question came with a confused frown, but it was all soon put aside as Khadija started crying again. "No, no, no… Shhh… Please, don't…" Quatre begged wearily as he started bouncing again.

"You _two_." Heero amended, giving the baby a meaningful look. The blonde merely gave him a hurtful glance. "She's been crying all day, Quatre. You've done all you could. To admit defeat does not necessarily mean you've failed." He waited quietly, watching as his friend turned back to Khadija with suddenly tearful eyes. "I can see you're worried."

"You're right." Quatre conceded and when he met Heero's gaze again there was gratefulness in his eyes. "We'll take my car. The keys are on the table in the hall."

Heero had piloted through a lot, but he found it exceedingly difficult to concentrate on driving with a wailing infant in the car. Thankfully, the drive was a short one and he made good timing. He made sure not to break any traffic laws as he wasn't very anxious to receive one of Quatre's brief but stingy glares. Somehow, despite everything that had happened and was still happening, at that one moment, he felt purposeful and at peace.

The end of the war had left him feeling empty and lost so when he had seen the blonde young man again after 9 years, he had wanted to resurrect the comforting feelings he had basked in when they had been together. For that brief period, Quatre had made him feel accepted, had made him see he could be more than just a soldier and though he had not known how to describe those feelings at the time or how to go about them – maybe he still didn't – he had cherished every moment, every word, every touch… His mistake had apparently been the association of those feelings not with the one he shared them with but with the actions they had performed. Maybe this had nothing to do with sex, maybe it was something else… Proximity, familiarity. His approach had been all wrong.

The young doctor who attended them was, unsurprisingly, one of the blonde's older sisters. Sa'ida was, in fact, number 27. She made sure to examine Khadija herself and assigned another doctor to take a look at her own brother who, according to her, looked 'pretty worn out'. Heero couldn't agree more. He actually felt like he was suffocating when he considered the fact that he was partially to blame for Quatre's distress. It was better that the blonde's sister do not know though, for she was already giving him quite the suspicious glances just by him being there.

He slipped away as soon as the opportunity presented itself and found a row of uncomfortable blue plastic chairs in the lobby, across the receptionist's desk, where he could wait for his friend in relative quiet. Quatre did not look at all pleased when he returned. Khadija's condition wasn't serious, a mild urinary tract infection according to Sa'ida, but the doctor had decided to keep her in for observation so her brother could get a good night's rest. The blonde had, of course, refused to go home without Khadija, forcing his sister to forbid him to see the baby until the following morning. He refused to give in to her convincing tactics though and had instead settled beside Heero on the lobby.

As soon as he collapsed onto the chair he hunched forward and buried his face in his hands. "Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this… Sometimes I just want to give up and ask one of my elder, more experienced, sisters to raise her. It feels so wrong to feel this way…to feel like I could give Khadija away like a sack of potatoes. It's so selfish and yet… Sometimes giving up is all I wanna do." He confessed.

Heero raised a hand, but let it fall back to his side before it could touch the blonde. They had been going backwards in their relationship, it seemed, and he wondered if there was a way to take it all back and start over. He regarded Quatre quietly, realising for the first time just how strong the young man beside him really was. He was stronger than all of them and yet, there he was…struggling with normalcy and a life of peace just like the rest of them.

"Quatre." He started in a gentler tone than he was used to. "No one would blame you if you gave up now. It's still early. Khadija wouldn't hold it against you."

"But _I _would." Quatre mumbled, his voice muffled by his hands and strained from holding back tears.

"I know." Heero was staring ahead at a point beyond space and time. He did not meet the blonde's gaze when he felt it on him, puzzled and curious. "You don't seem to blame me for the things I did or said earlier, but I do. I seem…to lose control when you're around." He turned to Quatre with a frown, though his gaze was softer than it had ever been. "I'm sorry." He said, surprised at how easily the words came to him. Apologising was something he had rarely done in his life, if ever, and speaking was not really his first choice when it came to means of communication. The blonde looked slightly surprised, but also…pleased?

He smiled gently and shook his head. "You don't need to apologise. I was harsh too. I honestly don't know what I was thinking… I shouldn't have forced those answers out of you or dismissed your emotions as being my own… I know it's difficult enough for you to deal with your feelings without my meddling."

"No, I…" Heero shook his head, he didn't know what to say. He hadn't even thought it through before he spoke, it was unlike him… He wasn't being himself. Quatre gave him time, his smile growing patient and understanding at the sight of the other's distressed frown. "I am beginning to realise that I might be out of my depths…" unable to hide his distaste at his own admittance, he looked away. A night shift nurse was sitting at the reception desk, filling some overdue paperwork.

"'To admit defeat does not necessarily mean you've failed.'" The blonde threw his own words back at him with a smile that was nearly triumphant, it only widened at Heero's suddenly surprised face. "You _do_ have a lot to sort out."

"I know." He conceded without hesitance, regaining his blank façade.

"I saw something in you 9 years ago, Heero. Something that made me believe that there could be better things out there for you… For all of us actually. Not all is lost. I will do my best to help you move on." Quatre chucked somewhat sheepishly. "I'm just starting to move on myself." He admitted.

Heero nodded, thinking of all the things he had to do… He had not lied when he'd said he did not love Relena, but he had made it sound more detached than he really felt. He cared for her and the things Quatre had said did bother him. She should know the truth about his feelings and feel free to make her own choices. That was where she was slowly heading anyways… For some time now he had seen her grow less and less ambitious in regards to her career and he knew she would quit soon. He knew she wanted to try new things, to be more like any other woman and less like the former queen of a divided world. She wouldn't need him anymore, probably already didn't, and he would be forced to find out what he really wanted to do. He might need to go away, to disappear and be by himself for a while until he had straightened his thoughts and his…feelings? Were they really his? What of all those things Quatre had said? What if they _were _true?

"Could these really be _my _feelings?" he asked in a whisper, unable to stop the incredulity from creeping into his voice and the smallest of grimaces from twisting his features. The blonde continued to watch him, thoughtfully, as he stared blankly at the busy looking nurse. She could probably provide him with more answers than he could himself.

"You said…" his friend started suddenly, with a concentrated frown. "You said you lose control when you're with me…and you said I make you feel. Maybe… Maybe you've been feeling all along, but when you're with me, when you lose control, that's when the strength of those emotions hit you." Quatre's excitement was so great he could have just discovered the cure for cancer. Heero thought it was fascinating, how he could be moved so easily by some else's problems. The way his entire face lit up and the corners of his mouth lifted in a smile as he spoke. He remembered that day on the beach, the way the blonde had smiled as Heero's words finally allowed him to relax and enjoy the scenery and the company of the two dogs that had been 'keeping them guard'. He had missed that smile and he had missed knowing he had been the one to put it there. "Don't you think…" Quatre grew sombre suddenly, his voice losing its lilt. "Don't you think doctor J and the people who trained you…and even _us_, your friends… You've been told so many times that you had no feelings. What if you actually started believing it yourself?"

He frowned, turning back to the desk in front of him. "You mean I have some sort of mental block?"

"Yes. Would it be too far to look at it that way?"

"No. I don't think so."

"But what do you think it was that removed it? You think it was, well…me?"

"I do not know." Heero shook his head. If he wanted the blonde's help he would have to be honest, to disclose all the facts, to wear his heart on his sleeve. "For a long time I asked myself that question… That's perhaps why I seem to have been trying to recreate the circumstances in which the restraints snapped."

Quatre smiled again, a soft knowing smile. "You turned it into a mission of sorts."

"I can't seem to let the war go." He frowned, staring yet again at the oblivious nurse. This time though, the woman noticed his scrutiny, raising an inquiring eyebrow.

"Stop glaring at her." The blonde whispered, but even though it was meant to be rebuking there was amusement in his voice, and Heero noticed he was holding back a chuckle. He turned to his suddenly mocking friend, arching an eyebrow, but that only seemed to amuse Quatre even more. His smile widened considerably, confusing him further.

_"Heero, _please_! You're embarrassing me…" Relena tugged on his arm, pulling him away from the buffet table before he 'spooked' more fancy dressed people or 'got himself into a fistfight'. "Why can't you stop glaring at people?" she asked already exasperated. He admitted it was not the first time that night that he had glared at someone, but it was not as if he could help it… Those snobs all seemed to be staring at him and whispering, so he glared because that was what he had been thought to do. He was supposed to be an invisible shadow, not the centre of attention. "Trowa!" she waved excitedly at her only bodyguard of the night then, beckoning him to them._

_"Do you need anything?" Trowa asked softly, smiling gently at his employer._

_"Take care of Heero for a little bit, will you?" she turned back to him with pleading eyes and disappointment in her voice. "Please, stop glaring at people?"_

_"Hn." Was all he had said, not wanting to make any promises he could not keep. They had watched her walk away in silence. At the time he had been too on edge to notice, but now he realised Trowa had sported the smallest of smiles. "I wonder why she even invited these people…"_

_"It's her birthday, but it's also her job, Heero. You know that. She's a politician, she's influential, so she can't really keep the two apart."_

_He knew. Of course, he knew. It did not mean he liked it. He liked it even less that she had asked him to be her escort. He wondered why he had accepted it… Obligation. That was all it was. Would Trowa have answered otherwise? He once thought so, now he was no longer sure._

"You know…" Quatre's voice cut through his reverie. Had he been anyone else, he would have sighed in gratefulness. "We never really talked about what happened back then."

"No." he agreed.

"It might be a good place to start."

"Not now." Heero interrupted, his voice sounding harsher than he intended and, even though the blonde did not seem to have noticed, he turned to him with a softer, apologetic gaze. "You're tired."

"So are you." Came the childish retort accompanied by what looked dubiously like a pout.

He ignored it and stood up. "Come. We're going home."

Not giving Quatre the time to protest he started making his way towards the front door, leaving the uncomfortable plastic chairs and the unfriendly looking nurse behind. Relena would have put up a fight. She had once called him a 'control freak' and stressed the fact that he had no right to give her orders. He had not seen them as orders, he had been doing his job, assuring her safety, but he could see how his tone and manner had irked her. It was a constant source of argument between them because – though she could not see it – she was as much a control freak as he was. He glanced over his shoulder then and was both pleased and surprised to find his friend following. The young CEO looked somewhat reluctant, apparently fighting whatever retort his mind was screaming at him to give, but he was following anyways. For the first time in a long time, Heero allowed himself a small smile.


End file.
